Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Claire Heaton

Editor's note: The following text has been annotated by the staff of Apoloblogology for your literary enjoyment.

You may not believe what Claire Heaton has to say, and that’s OK. Her message isn’t dependent upon acceptance, but delivery. (Excellent! I love venture capitalist cults of personality!)

From the age of five, Heaton began to realize she could recall the details of a time and place in history, as if she actually lived it. Heaton’s unusual journey goes back to the time when Jesus walked the Earth, to tell the story of Martha, Jesus’ sister and the co-founder of his ministry, who was removed from history by the early rulers of the Christian Church. Martha’s Voice: Portrait in Words, Heaton’s new book, has been waiting in the wings for decades, with the author reluctant to provide clear fodder for skeptics and ‘true’ believers who can’t see the divine forest for the trees planted by Christ.(Hang on... So is the forest bad, or are the trees bad? I think you got your maxim backwards...)

INTERVIEW THE WOMAN WHO COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT CHRISTIANITY

“I’m not a psychic, I don’t claim to have special gifts or abilities,” says Heaton. “Something happened to me, and it’s something the world needs to hear.” (...but not accept, because it's not dependent upon acceptance. Remember, per her press release, the only value in this message is that it makes Heaton feel better delivering it.)

Interview Heaton and discover:

·How and why the true story of Jesus’ sister, Martha, was completely removed from history by early Christian leaders.(Omitted for centuries from tradition, but miraculously rediscovered by archaeologists excavating the head of Claire Heaton.)

·How Jesus had no intention of establishing a new religion, but only a new perspective on life, which he hoped could be embraced by people from all cultures and religious affiliations, or with no religious affiliation (Also, how he founded a Church in a conversation with Peter, also how you should take up your cross and follow him, also tons of stuff about fulfilling the Judaic religious law...)

·How early Christian leadership were experts at spin, as are today's leaders of Christianity; creating a story that bore no resemblance to the truth to benefit their lofty personal ambitions.(Lofty ambitions such as the high hopes of being impaled on a pike and used as a human torch, being torn apart by wild beasts, hopes of becoming like Christ in his death...)

·Why a great social injustice has befallen mankind due to the emotional and political control established across the world by the institution of Christianity, and why there is a revolt against such influence by people from other cultures and religious beliefs.(Just interviewed a priest who ministers to refugees in the Sudan, and he related how he had baptized 1,000 individual new Christians in a day in Darfur and had arm pains all week from pouring all the water. Man, that guy must have been a seriously powerful political figure...)

·Why, if the true life story and ministry of Jesus had been taught, the world as we know it today would simply not exist, and prevailing problems we currently face would be an incomprehensible scenario for us to imagine. (To quote the prophet Chesterton, "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." We're almost in agreement here, except for the fact that you think the message of Christ was hidden for 2000 years and fully and miraculously appeared in your head after centuries of burial 'neath the swirling sands of time.)

“All I ask is for people to trust … themselves,” notes Heaton. “The evidence to support my story is more accessible and has more validity than any historical text. Unless controlled by fear, your inner voice is never wrong.”(Sweet. That means my inner voice is not at all wrong if it's controlled by ambition, lust, anarchy, or hate. It's that fear stuff you've got to watch out for...)

www.marthasvoice.com

I feel like somebody exchanged the lunch I packed with a sack full of Crazy Sandwiches.