Upon The Feast Of The Visitation

The Baptizer gets baptized.

Tropical Storm Arthur Forms

Take That, ObamaGirl

I laughed, I cried.



Dip of the do-rag to Mrs. Swaim.

An Interview I Am Not Going To Do

In case the print is too small for your deteriorating vision to discern, that tiny part you can't read is Fr. Richard Rohr singing the praises of this work of literature.

Thanks, but no thanks. I had my fill of aging hippies with breathy voices and dead brain cells advocating disembodied spiritualities when they turned me into a homeless person. Although, if any of my readership wants it, I think I still have the box it came in...

'I Have Bought A Piece Of Land And I Need To Go Out And Look At It; Please Consider Me Excused.'

I bought a house. I'm moving on Saturday. Life is chaos. No blogging for now.

Upon The Feast Of St. Augustine Of Canterbury

"Rowan Williams, you're sitting in my seat."

This Day In History

On May 23, 1533, King Henry VIII of England finally completed his seperation from Catherine of Aragon. What is one to say? This is the event around which the Church of England sprang from the sporadically fertile loins of Henry VIII, and over which St. Thomas More was demanded his life.

Celebrating 445 years of seperation of state and Church...

Upon The Feast Of St. Rita Of Cascia

Glorious St. Rita, patroness of those in need, your intercession with our Lord is most powerful. Through the favors obtained by your prayers you have been called Advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases. St. Rita, humble and pure; patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified! We have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you, will find comfort and relief. Listen to our petitions and show your power with God in our behalf. Obtain our petitions for us if they are for the greater honor of God, and for our good. We promise, if our petitions are granted, to make known your favor, and to glorify God for His gift. Relying on your power with the merciful Savior, we ask of you . . .

(here mention your request in silence)

By the singular merits of your childhood, obtain our request for us.
By your perfect union with the Divine Will, obtain our request for us.
By your acceptance of troubles in your married life, obtain our request for us.
By the anguish felt at the murder of your husband, obtain our request for us.
By the surrender of your children, rather than have them offend God, obtain our request for us.
By your miraculous entrance into the convent, obtain our request for us.
By your daily penance and fasting, obtain our request for us.
By your courage and joy in bearing the mark of the Crucified Savior, obtain our request for us.
By the Divine Love which consumed your life, obtain our request for us.
By your devotion in receiving the Blessed Sacrament, obtain our request for us.
By the happiness you felt in leaving this life for union with Christ, obtain our request for us.
By the example you have given to people of every state of life, obtain our request for us.

Pray for us, St. Rita, That we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

The Presbyterian Church (USA) Considers Ideas For Renaming The Trinity To Reflect Our Times

"In the name of the Hannibal, and of the B.A., and of the Murdock, A-Team."

Aimee Semple McPherson Speaks, Part II

“I have never been brought up a Catholic - I mean, a Roman Catholic - we're all Catholics, aren't we? We're Protestant Catholics, whether we're Methodist or Baptist or what.”

Upon The Feast Of St. Bernadine Of Siena

A prayer for those working in advertising and public relations:

"Dear Saint of the Franciscan Order, you were a tireless preacher of God's Saving Word. By your growing love for Jesus you spread that love all around, advertising his Holy Name. Be kind to advertisers in our frantic times. Make them broadcast only what is true and what can serve the well-being of humankind, while doing all for the glory of God. Amen."

Movie Review: Prince Caspian A Festival Of Usurpury

And when I say usurpury, I'm not just talking about the plot line where Miraz the Telmarine kills Caspian IX with a view to the throne. No, it seems there are other usurpers out there, who, like Miraz, seem to have a love for the Narnian empire, but not the land itself, and are willing to overthrow Jack Lewis in order to sit on his mythic throne. We will call them "Walden Media."

Fifteen minutes into Prince Caspian, I was impressed by a few of the alterations made to the script. I liked the way things began with the Caspian storyline first, and led up to the return of the Pevensies. I thought the amended escape from Miraz's castle was a necessary addition to the plot to make it screen-friendly. But then they started messing with some things that they didn't need to (and shouldn't have).

I will not go into hull-crush depth as to everything that I found to be a betrayal of Lewis' original intent. I will only mention three elements which I found problematic, and open the combox for further critique. I will leave off my lament about the mishandling of Aslan, because it's a several thousand-word rant in and of itself, and the omissions and alterations in regard to him should be obvious to even the most casual Narnia fan.

First, while Reepicheep's action sequences were extremely well done, the characterization of Reepicheep himself was badly mishandled. In the book, he is valiant, chivalrous, and proper. In the movie, however, he is a smart aleck, and his courtesies come off as so much brown-nosery. At one point, he tells Trumpkin to "shut up," a line which Lewis would never have put in his noble mouth.

Speaking of Trumpkin, he isn't the lively storyteller who moves from doubt to faith, like he is in the book; instead, he is sullen, and plays the comic-relief equivalent of Eeyore, or perhaps Marvin the Robot. Highly disappointing.

But perhaps the most disappointing tweak of all is the awkward adolescent farewell kiss between Susan and Caspian. This addition is forced, and unsettling, and was obviously included in order to woo more romantically inclined audiences who might have had trouble sitting through the darker and more violent scenes. Lewis certainly didn't add that spin to his original tale. He vented his Narnian romantic urges on Cor and Aravis in The Horse and His Boy. The last-second smooch was obligatory, unnecessary and contrived.

Watching the first two Narnia movies has led me to believe that the producers of these films have somehow managed to make some Arian scissor-mark down the middle of these stories, dividing their plot from their spirit. I will continue to watch and appreciate these movies, but only as blockbuster screen fantasies, and not as the meaningful myth on which they are based.

This Day In History/Aimee Semple McPherson Speaks

On May 18, 1926, evangelist and founder of the Foursquare Gospel Church Reverend Aimee Semple McPherson disappeared, last seen on a beach in Venice, California. For over a month, the Foursquare community mourned her drowning.

There was an extra reason for the Foursquare Gospel Church to mourn that fateful day, because it was the same day that Kenneth Ormiston, the engineer for KFSG, the church's radio station, also disappeared mysteriously. For thirty-five days, nobody put twosquare and twosquare together.

On June 23, a not-that-exhausted looking McPherson stumbled out of the desert in Agua Prieta, Mexico, with grass stains on her shoes and wearing a watch that she had supposedly left at home before going to the beach. What followed was a series of not very well planned out alibis in which McPherson claimed before a jury that she had been chloroformed and dragged into the desert. Soon after the case to track down her abductors was dropped due to lack of evidence.

Folk songwriter Pete Seeger was prompted to pen the following in response, titled "The Ballad of Aimee Semple McPherson":

Did you ever hear the story of Aimee McPherson?
Aimee McPherson, that wonderful person,
She weight a hundred eighty and her hair was red
And preached a wicked sermon, so the papers said.

cho: Hi dee hi dee hi dee hi
Ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.

Aimee built herself a radio station
To broadcast her prraching to the nation.
She found a man named Armistead who knew enough
To run the radio while Aimee did her stuff.

Shc held a camp meeting out at Ocean Park
Preached from early morning 'til after dark.
Said the benediction, folded up her tent,
And nobody knew where Aimee went.
When Aimee McPherson got back from this journey,
Shc told her tale to the district attorney.
Said she'd been kidnapped on a lonely trail.
In spite of all the questions, she stuck to her tale.

Well, the Grand Jury started an investigation,
Uncovered a lot of spicy information.
Found out about a love nest down at Carmel-by-the-Sea,
Where the liquor was expensive and the loving was free.

They found a cottage with a breakfast nook,
A folding bed with a worn-out look.
The slats were busted and the springs were loose,
And the dents in the mattress fitted Aimee's caboose.

Well they took poor Aimee and they threw her in jail.
Last I heard she was out on bail.
They'll send her up for a stretch, I guess,
She worked herself up into an awful mess
Now Radio Ray is a going hound;
He's going yet and he ain't been found.
They got his description, but they got it too late.
Since they got it, he's lost a lot of weight.

Now I'll end my story in the usual way,
About this lady preacher's holiday.
If you don't get the moral then you're the gal for me
Cause they got a lot of cottages down at Carmel-by-the-Sea.

The reminder of this tale, one of my favorites in American religious history, has prompted us here at Apoloblogology to begin a new series, called "Aimee Semple McPherson Speaks." Her first message:

"“You have no business being sick-every one of you should get well and get up and go to work, huh? Get up and go to work and earn some money and help send the gospel out! Amen!”

Upon Trinity Sunday

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum, Amen.

Extra! Barack Obama Steals Luminous Floating Cross From Mike Huckabee's "Merry Christmas" Video!

Four more years of theocracy!

Upon The Feast Of St. Isidore The Farmer

Accused by his fellow field workers of shirking his duties by attending daily Mass. When his master came to scold him, he found angels manning Isidore's plow. His wife, Maria de la Cabeza, is also canonized. Incorruptible.

A couple of years back, I made the mistake of taking some garbanzo beans to a weekday Mass on the feast of St. Isidore, with the intention of having them blessed by the priest before interring them in the fertile Covington soil. Unfortunately, I had read things wrongly, and it turned out that it was April 4, which is actually the feast of St. Isidore of Seville, the patron saint of the internet. Nothing ever came of my pitiful garbanzo crop that year.

Upon The Feast Of St Matthias The Apostle

Last man on the Apostolic bus.

Happy feast day, Gary, Indiana!

Celebrate Excommunication Day

In honor of the excommunication of the schismatic local tyrant-philosopher Savonarola on May 13, 1497, we here at Apoloblogology suggest that our readers celebrate this day in the way that Savonarola himself might: with a Bonfire of the Vanities.

What, you may ask, is a Bonfire of the Vanities? In the days of Girolamo Savonarola, it was a gathering of things that might tempt one to sin, a throwing of them on a pile in the middle of the city, a lighting of them on fire, and the smoke of their burning going up for ever and ever (Rev 19:3). The vanities included in the bonfire were lewd images and statues, immoral writings, and sometimes even actual vanities, as in those pieces of furniture with mirrors on them.

So, to celebrate Savonarola's excommunication, we suggest that you gather all of the occasions of sin from around your own residence, whether they be lipstick, rock and roll, or copies of Grand Theft Auto IV, and, invoking the memory of Savonarola, douse them in lighter fluid and send them to hell.

If you prefer, as did Savonarola, to make this more of a public activity involving the torching of the vanities of others, we suggest that you go down to your local grocery store and repeat the above activity on the magazine racks at the checkout lanes.

Upon The Feast Of Our Lady Of Fatima

When understood properly, this appearance can lead us to conversion, reparation for sin, prayer, and reconciliation. When understood improperly, it's "Left Behind" for Catholics.

O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, and lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of thy mercy.

Latest Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Trailer Now Up And Available

Get it here, but pop some popcorn first, 'cause it's awesome.

Postal Rates Rise To Reflect The Meaning Of Life

After millions of years of consulting with existential supercomputer Deep Thought, the United States Postal Service has unanimously decided to raise the cost of mailing a letter to 42 cents. When reached for comment, USPS representatives indicated that they felt it was really important to make this change in the postage rate, but that they will be unable to tell us why for several million more years.

Upon The Feast Of Pentecost

At the Annunciation, the Holy Spirit overshadows Mary, and Jesus is born. At Pentecost, the ascended Jesus sends the Holy Spirit to Mary and the Apostles, and the Church is born. Happy Mother's Day.

Birth, Wind, and Fire!

An Appeal For The Government Of Myanmar To Allow Foreign Aid In The Wake Of Cyclone Nargis

h/t to Steve Skojec for reminding us that there are more than one humanitarian nuts to crack. May God inspire the United Nations and others bent on exterminating these populations anyway to lay down their ideologies and assist, despite the resistance of the malevolent dicatorship in power there.

Results For "Joel Osteen Or Barak Obama: Pro-Life? Edition

The quote was “I don’t think abortion is the best.”

49% of you said Osteen.

51% of you said Obama.

Correct answer: Osteen!

Some of you may be surprised, since Obama has made statements concerning his own inner turmoil regarding the issue of abortion. However, he has been an H-E-double-hockey of a lot clearer on where he stands on an awful lot more issues than has been Pastor Osteen, even though they both have the knack for instilling a vague sense of Beatlemania-disguised-as-hope in their audiences. It was of course, Barak Obama who lobbied strongly against the Born Alive Infants Protection Act, which would prevent victims of unsuccessful abortions from being euthanised after being delivered alive. He was also livid when the right to stick scissors in the backs of the heads of partially-born babies and suck their brains out was repealed by a Supreme Court who was only slightly more humane than he was. 51% of you should know better.

A new question is up. And while some of you would probably prefer that I do a series called “John McCain or Charlton Heston,” the answer is yes, it’s too early to make jokes yet.

My Real Problem With The Gas Hikes

Author's note: This article was originally posted in July of 2006, but we feel that it is one of the few timeless things that we have published in the few years that we've been junking up the internet with our own special brand of drivel.

(My real problem with the gas hikes...) is not the added difficulty in finding ways to get by with less recreation money in my budget, nor is it jealousy toward oil executives who seem to be taking advantage of American desperation and excess. These factors only register minimally on my frustrat-o-meter.

My real problem with the gas hikes is that they inhibit one of my chief idiosyncracies, which is also one of the cornerstones of my (recently) diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder: Precision Pumping.

It used to be, when gas was less than one dollar per gallon, one could see the monetary ticker registering and rounding to the next dollar amount several seconds in advance of it actually switching over. Nowadays, that ticker flashes through numbers at rates in excess of three times that of the gallon ticker. Often, the monetary gauge will skip over a number completely. In my case, it always does this right after resting on the number "99."

I say we call upon OPEC and Exxon to end these incessant price increases; partly for the reasons listed in the first paragraph, but mostly because I usually only have an intact ten dollar bill on hand and rarely carry contingency pennies to the pump.

For The Love Of God, Don't Try This At Home

Deepest apologies for the above image, but it unfortunately applies.

A Scottish scientist is warning other scientists and legislators about the possible fallout that might result from experimentation with human sperm and chimpanzee eggs. According to Dr. Callum McKellar (who wins the Awesome Scottish Name Of The Day Award), were a human to mate with a chimpanzee, the DNA are close enough to where a hybrid could result from the union.

When reached for comment, Apoloblogology Field Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcolm stated, "Yes first it's 'ooh, aah, look at the Manpanzee,' but then there's screaming, and yelling, and running..."

Does anyone else get the feeling that this was addressed in Leviticus? I feel like a couple verses after "you shall not boil a young goat in its mother's milk" there has to be something to the effect of "you shall not mate with another species that shares 98.5% of your DNA..."

Happy Belated Cinco De Moustache

Thanks to reader and real-life friend Jimmy for reminding me of my oversight in this matter. In honor of the holiday I missed, here's my favorite moustache to date:

Shedding The Green Blood Of The Silent Animals

A Switzerland ethics committee has begun a debate to try and argue for those who cannot speak for themselves. Is it the defense of the unborn from creation and extermination as part of the "designer child" mentality? Or perhaps a criticism of the abortion industry for targeting minorities? Maybe it's an attempt to get parents to stop late-term aborting their children for cleft palates?

No, my friends. The ethics committee is arguing that:

"plants deserve the right to life and that killing them is morally wrong except when it comes to saving humans. In a report on "the dignity of the creature in the plant world", the federal Ethics Committee on non-human Gene Technology condemned the decapitation of flowers without reason."

Often truth is stranger than fiction. However, sometimes truth is exactly as strange as a particular piece of fiction. G.K. Chesterton seems to have won his own game of "Cheat the Prophet" on this one, judging by this passage from 1904's The Napoleon of Notting Hill:"

"...Mr. Mick not only became a vegetarian, but at length declared vegetarianism doomed (‘shedding,’ as he called it finely, ‘the green blood of the silent animals’), and predicted that men in a better age would live on nothing but salt. And then came the pamphlet from Oregon (where the thing was tried), the pamphlet called ‘Why should Salt suffer?’ and there was more trouble."

I'm wondering what exactly they're eating for dinner over there in Switzerland...

A Face Like The Face Of Robert Tilton Without The Horns, Part X: Do You Still Get To Claim An Audience If They're Not There To See You?

The pope hates the Bible. That's why he kisses it, elevates it, and processes around the altar with it, just before reading it to you.

Most interesting is the point about halfway through, where one street preacher leans over to the other street preacher and says, "we should start preaching off of what he says." Things become strangely quiet on their end at that point...

Things That Make John Wycliffe Look Harmless, Part X: The Birthday Bible

It's a decent idea, but you can only read the thing once a year.

Why George Stephanopolous Quit The Clinton Campaign (And Likely Why Obama Will Win The Democratic Nomination)

Disclaimed by a warning to Indianans and those offended by profanity...

I'm Not For Certain, But I Think This Video Might Be Pro-Life

Upon The Feast Of St. Athanasius

It's homoousious, not homoiousios. Sometimes the difference between heresy and orthodoxy is as simple as the letter "I."

Upon The Feast Of St. Joseph The Worker

Joseph, by the work of your hands
and the sweat of your brow,
you supported Jesus and Mary,
and had the Son of God as your fellow worker.

Teach me to work as you did,
with patience and perseverance, for God and
for those whom God has given me to support.
Teach me to see in my fellow workers
the Christ who desires to be in them,
that I may always be charitable and forbearing
towards all.

Grant me to look upon work
with the eyes of faith,
so that I shall recognize in it
my share in God's own creative activity
and in Christ's work of our redemption,
and so take pride in it.

When it is pleasant and productive,
remind me to give thanks to God for it.
And when it is burdensome,
teach me to offer it to God,
in reparation for my sins
and the sins of the world.

optional refrain: "take that, commies!"