A Windy Inheritance

On July 21, 1925, Tennessee schoolteacher John Scopes was found guilty of teaching evolution and fined $100, perhaps the lowest price ever paid by any martyr for any cause.

Historically, the "Monkey Trial" of 1925 has been often used to pit science and religion against one another. Less understood is how much this trial represented the divisions in American society between rural and urban cultures, academia and the working classes, populists and elitists, conservatives and progressives, and North and South. And perhaps the biggest question at all posed by the trial is whether or not majority opinion is sufficent to define truth. None of these intricacies, by the way, are adequately or fairly explored in that lousy piece of big-city elitist propaganda known as Inherit the Wind.

(Longtime readers of this blog will recall that a couple of years back, I posted a six-part series on the historiography of this infamous event. Fun stuff.)

The Reason I'm Glad That I Am On The Mailing List For Christian Country Music Trade Publications...

...is because I get to see what happens when The Power Team meets Cletus T. Judd.

Quote Of The Day

From Ross Douthat on all the Caritas in Veritate aftershocks:

Papal encyclicals are supposed to be written with one eye on two millenniums of Catholic teaching, and the other on eternity. But Americans, as a rule, have rather narrower horizons. As soon as the media have finished scanning a Vatican document for references to sex, the debate begins in earnest: Is it good for the left, or for the right? For Democrats, or for Republicans?"

Michael Jackson And The Sabbath

Some say that the Catholic Church moves too slowly, and in comparison to the rest of the world, that may be true. For example, when it comes to canonizing someone, there's usually an investigative process that can take years, even centuries to complete. The world, by contrast, canonizes everyone at their funerals. If you don't believe that, just listen to the remarks at the next funeral you go to. The dead person is almost always "up there right now, looking down and smiling."

Such a canonization process is being carried out in many circles at the passing of Michael Jackson. Fortunately, I have enough questions about my own eternal destination that I'm not near so bold as to presume to know the destinations of anyone else. But it's impossible to talk about death without talking about God.

As such, I found myself drawn to an article published today on Beliefnet written by none other than the late Michael Jackson. It gives interesting insight into both his tortured popularity and his theology, which might be described as a blend of Kaballah and the belief of Jehovah's Witnesses. Here's an excerpt:

...what I wanted more than anything was to be ordinary. So, in my world, the Sabbath was the day I was able to step away from my unique life and glimpse the everyday.

Sundays were my day for "Pioneering," the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. We would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door to door or making the rounds of a shopping mall, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I continued my pioneering work for years and years after my career had been launched.

Up to 1991, the time of my Dangerous tour, I would don my disguise of fat suit, wig, beard, and glasses and head off to live in the land of everyday America, visiting shopping plazas and tract homes in the suburbs. I loved to set foot in all those houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderfully ordinary and, to me, magical scenes of life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were positively fascinating...



Sundays were sacred for two other reasons as I was growing up. They were both the day that I attended church and the day that I spent rehearsing my hardest. This may seem against the idea of "rest on the Sabbath," but it was the most sacred way I could spend my time: developing the talents that God gave me. The best way I can imagine to show my thanks is to make the very most of the gift that God gave me.

Church was a treat in its own right. It was again a chance for me to be "normal." The church elders treated me the same as they treated everyone else. And they never became annoyed on the days that the back of the church filled with reporters who had discovered my whereabouts. They tried to welcome them in. After all, even reporters are the children of God.

When I was young, my whole family attended church together in Indiana. As we grew older, this became difficult, and my remarkable and truly saintly mother would sometimes end up there on her own. When circumstances made it increasingly complex for me to attend, I was comforted by the belief that God exists in my heart, and in music and in beauty, not only in a building. But I still miss the sense of community that I felt there--I miss the friends and the people who treated me like I was simply one of them. Simply human. Sharing a day with God.

When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness.

My most precious days as a child were those Sundays when I was able to be free. That is what the Sabbath has always been for me. A day of freedom. Now I find this freedom and magic every day in my role as a father. The amazing thing is, we all have the ability to make every day the precious day that is the Sabbath. And we do this by rededicating ourselves to the wonders of childhood. We do this by giving over our entire heart and mind to the little people we call son and daughter. The time we spend with them is the Sabbath. The place we spend it is called Paradise.

Gomer Pyle and Corpus Christi

I can connect the two in one move.

Since Today is Jim Nabors' 79th birthday, and Sunday is the Solemnity of The Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ, it only seems appropriate to post the singing marine's rendition of "Panis Angelicus," the great Eucharistic hymn of Thomas Aquinas. Enjoy.

If It Happened, It Happened. Also, If It Could Have Happened, It Happened.

It doesn't matter whether or not Christians are actually protesting the release of the EA video game "Dante's Inferno;" what matters is that EA thought that people would expect it to happen. When a negative reaction to the game didn't materialize organically, EA decided it was time to manufacture some dissent:

Video game giant Electronic Arts has admitted it funded a group of fake protesters who pretended to be Christians as a publicity stunt to spur interest in its upcoming action game very loosely based on Dante’s “Inferno.”

The game company hired a group of almost 20 people to stand outside the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles on Wednesday, the Associated Press says. The phony protesters passed out amateurish material and held signs bearing slogans such as “Trade in Your PlayStation for a PrayStation,” “Hell is not a Game” and “EA = Electronic Anti-Christ.”

Holly Rockwood, an EA spokeswoman, said the charade was arranged by a viral marketing agency hired by the company.

A web page in the crude style of 1990s web design was also created in connection with the stunt. It depicted crosses crushing the word “sin” and placed images of the King James Bible among phony condemnations and thinly-veiled promotions of the game.

“A video game hero does not have the authority to save and damn... ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. and he will not judge the sinners who play this game kindly,” the site said.

I tried to find the website and couldn't.

I don't know whether I'm amused, or (pardon the pun) inflamed by this stunt. But I do know that I'm amused by this little gem that the writer of the above article decided to sneak into the copy:

Dante placed the fraudulent and the sowers of discord in the penultimate Eighth Circle.

All of this raises an interesting ethical question: does unfairly representing someone you believe to be a bigot make you a bigot too? Methinks it does.

In The Words Of Stephen Baldwin: "There's More Going On Here Than You Realize, Baby."

Is this valid? Proper form: check. Proper matter: check. Proper intention? It at least seems to be the case with Stephen...



Is it piling on to baptize someone in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and in the name of Jesus Christ?

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Mainstream Christianity is always trying to keep up with the secular Joneses. This week, it appears that the Christian Brett Michaels has married the Christian Pamela Anderson:

She was a call girl working the streets of Sin City. He's a guitarist in a heavy metal band. They found commonality in their Christian faith and Friday evening, the two were married in a Las Vegas, Nevada, ceremony broadcast live via the Web.

Annie Lobért, who founded Hookers for Jesus, and musician Oz Fox of the Christian band Stryper said their "I do's" at the Church of South Las Vegas in front of an applauding crowd and an audience on the Internet.

Whether it's watching Franky Schaffer brand himself as a hatemonger, watching Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer from "The Hills" while Sanjaya reads the Gospel, or watching a dude from Stryper marry a Christian hooker, you just can't predict what American religion will come up with next...

This Day In History

On May 9, 1950, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health was published by L. Ron Hubbard. This causes lingering feelings of sadness in me, but I can't put my finger on the reason why.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: The Christian Samurai

I love swords. And stories about people killing other people with them for honorable causes. As I've stated before, I'm about two ethics textbook questions away from being a pacifist. And, alas, most of the shows I watch would be extremely boring if nobody ever got killed. At least I'm self-aware.

In the meantime, I'm not booking this interview:

Author Paul Nowak has posted his book, "The Way of the Christian
Samurai: Reflections for Servant-Warriors of Christ" for free on his website, Eternal-Revolution.com. The book can be downloaded here or for a free will donation.

"After much prayer, I decided that this work should be made as widely avaialalbe (sic) as possible," said Nowak. "Economic issues should not stand in the way of Christians encouraging one another."

ChristianBookReview.net rated "The Way of the Christian Samurai" as an "Essential" book, calling it "an important book that can be read with profit by those in the Church.”

The samurai, whose very title means “one who serves,” were skillful warriors of feudal Japan who devoted themselves fully to the service of their masters, willing even to sacrifice their lives in service to their lord. Christians are also called by their Lord, Jesus, to take up their cross and follow Him, and to seek to lose their life for His sake (Matthew 16:24-25).

While fantastic legends and stories of the samurai are plentiful, "The Way of the Christian Samurai" draws from primary sources – notes, essays, and books written by real samurai from Japan’s feudal era. Their advice on everything from overcoming fear, giving counsel to others, serving one’s Lord, and self-sacrifice are remarkably applicable to the life of the modern Christian.

Author Paul Nowak ties the advice of these servant-warriors of old, pointing out how the selections from samurai texts relate to Christian teachings found in the Scriptures.

The book is a matchless resource for Christians intrigued by the mythos of the samurai or Japanese culture, or for pastors and other spiritual leaders who are looking for anecdotes that illustrate Biblical ideals. Christian parents whose children enjoy Anime or Manga will find it a useful tool in understanding their children’s interests and in ministering to them.

Eternal Revolution prepares and arms Christians to keep, defend and spread the faith in the modern world which is always hostile to genuine Christianity, using reason-based arguments to combat the forces that seek to destroy our society and humanity. The Eternal Revolution blog and other products can be found at Eternal-Revolution.com.

I still plan, once one of my legs gives, to purchase a cane with an embedded sword. But I have no plans, under any impending circumstances, to claim to be a Christian Samurai.

"Both Religions Say There's Only One God..."

But only one of them claims Mohammed is his prophet.

Can someone be both "100 percent" Christian and Muslim simultaneously? Recently defrocked Episcopal priest Ann Holmes Redding of Rhode Island thinks so.

And no, I'm not kidding. Here are the juiciest excerpts from the story, which originally ran in the Christian Post:

An Episcopal priest who claimed to be both Christian and Muslim was defrocked, effective Wednesday.

Bishop Geralyn Wolf of the Episcopal Diocese of Rhode Island deposed Ann Holmes Redding, citing abandonment of Communion of The Episcopal Church.

Although Wolf has described Redding as a "woman of utmost integrity," the bishop said she "believes that a priest of the Church cannot be both a Christian and a Muslim," according to a statement by the Rhode Island diocese.

(snip)

An ordained minister in The Episcopal Church for over two decades, Redding made headlines in 2007 when she told the Seattle Times she was "100 percent" Muslim and Christian. Her story was first revealed in the Episcopal Diocese of Olympia's newspaper, the Episcopal Voice.

Three years ago, Redding attended an interfaith gathering where she said was moved by Muslim prayers. She said she felt an overwhelming conviction to surrender to God and soon after she became a practicing Muslim.

Convinced that her new Muslim faith did not contradict her beliefs as a Christ follower, Redding declared she was both a Muslim and a Christian.

"Both religions say there's only one God," Redding said, according to CNN, "and that God is the same God. It's very clear we are talking about the same God! So I haven't shifted my allegiance."

She also said she does not believe that God and Jesus are the same and believes Jesus is divine just as all humans are divine.

And I used to think that the only people who thought Christianity and Islam were basically the same were people like Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris, who claim that believing in the Resurrection is basically the same as being willing to fly a plane into the World Trade Center.

Babylon Kneels Before Her Digital Master

Not content to rule us merely in the temporal order, it appears that robots are now attempting to conquer the spiritual one as well. At informationageprayer.com, Protestants (as though they were a monolithic body), Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and those who describe themselves as "Unaffiliated" (I can only assume this refers to those who worship at the grocery magazine racks) can submit prayers to be voiced by synthesizers and played on loop. If you're like me, you have lots of questions about this. Fortunately, the FAQ section gives us some semblance of clarity as to how the whole thing works. Here are some excerpts:

-The omniscient God knows exactly who has subscribed and who each prayer is from when their name is displayed on screen and their prayer voiced.

-We use state of the art text-to-speech synthesizers to voice each prayers at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen. If the prayer is for someone else, then that name is displayed on screen instead.

-Prices are determined by the length of the prayer. A discounted prayer will cost less than other prayers of similar length.

And so forth.

Right now, in keeping with the times, the Prayer for Economic Stability is neatly discounted- for only $3.95, you can get a month's worth of robot intercession. But be sure to heed the caveat attached to the prayer, which warns that the subscription is "not an alternative to fiscal responsibility!" If that's outside your means, they're running a special on Hail Mary's at $.07 apiece.

Unfortunately, there's no information on whether or not there's an extra charge if you want to add the phrase "Father God" after every fifth word.

Bracketology 2009: Magisterial Fidelity Edition

In the spirit of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who once described an atheist as someone "who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins," we here at the staff of Apoloblogology have decided to revisit the spirit of the Thirty Years' War and present to you "Bracketology 101: Magisterial Fidelity Edition."

This is a methodology of bracket selection I've employed for years, and works especially well for those who want to take part in office pools but don't have much interest in things like winning. The criteria go as follows:

1. In games between religious schools and nonreligious schools, the religious school is picked.

2. In games between Christian schools and schools with other religious affiliations, the Christian school is picked.

3. In games between Catholic schools and protestant schools, the Catholic school is picked.

4. In games between Catholic schools, the one with the highest degree of fidelity to the Magisterium is picked.

The rules are simple, and produce interesting results. I've taken the liberty of walking you through some of the more epic battles likely to take place when this method of bracket selection is applied. I've also taken liberty with the rules stated above, as a nod to those Magisterially unfaithful Catholic universities who love it when liberty gets taken with rules:

Midwest Round 2: Utah vs Wake Forest

One might think that the University of Utah is a state institution, but research reveals that it was actually founded by no less than Brigham Young himself, the Latter Day Saint of Latter Day Saints. Not only that, but its former name was the University of Deseret. And what, pray tell is Deseret? Well, it just happens to be the word for "honeybee" in the Jaredite language (hence, "The Beehive State"). For those of you who don't follow Mormon lore, the Jaredites were a tribe of people who sailed to the Americas during the construction of the Tower of Babel. I say the Baptists at Wake Forest will handily win this one.

West Round 4: BYU vs Marquette

Here's a fun quote from our pal Brigham Young:

"Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned."

Jesuit run-Marquette, all the way.

East Round 3: Villanova vs Duke

Duke's Divinity school has an impressive roster, with the likes of Stanley Hauerwas and Amy Hall, and I liked Grant Wacker's book on Pentecostalism. I feel my Methodist tendencies rising. This one goes into double overtime, before the Wildcats win on a buzzer beater.

Midwest Round 3: Wake Forest vs Siena

I really enjoyed Wake Forest president Nathan Hatch's The Democratization of American Christianity; it's a must-read for anyone who wants some historical insight into why we are the way we are. However, St. Catherine of Siena, as it's been depicted in art, has been assaulted by evil spirits before and risen victorious, my guess is that her battle with the Demon Deacons will be similarly successful.

South Round 4: Syracuse vs Gonzaga

I have family connections to Syracuse; my in-laws met there. However, with St. Patrick's day coming this week, it would be an act of betrayal to support the cause of Orangeism, especially as it has manifested itself in Ireland. Gonzaga wins, but the families of the two teams dispute it for the next several centuries.

East Round 4: Xavier vs. Villanova

Scanning the faculty and course descriptions of Villanova's theology department, they appear to be, in the words of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "Mostly Harmless." They may be the devil I don't know. But the devil I do know is Xavier University, which is peppered with staff who think that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were the ancestors of the Marovingian kings, and that his body was eaten by wild dogs. Go 'Nova.

Midwest Round 3: Dayton vs Boston College

This is a tough one; Dayton has the Marian Library, which is pretty amazing. Boston College has Peter Kreeft, who might himself be considered a walking library. Plus, BC just put crucifixes back in the classrooms, which I applaud. Dayton could certainly take a hint or two when it comes to Catholic identity. However, because I have paid partial money toward an eventual degree at Dayton, I'll go with my potential future alma mater. Flyers in a squeaker.

Feel free to leave your own criteria for your bracket selection methodology in the combox below...

Infectious? Inflammatory? Inconsequential?

Inimitable, at the very least:



Bow of the biretta to Fr. Finigan.

"He Hit Me Back First."

Creative Minority Report has the best response so far to the ahistorical smear job currently being filmed by Ron Howard, one that he'd never, EVER do against Judaism or Islam:

let's see how the press is reporting it:

Variety: "Catholic League to battle 'Demons'"
Hundu: "Angels and Demons" under Catholic attack
UK Guardian: Catholic League targets Da Vinci Code prequel
Variety: "The Catholic League plans to do battle with the Ron Howard pic "Angels and Demons"
National Post: Catholic League denounces Angels and Demons

Isn't the exact opposite of these headlines closer to the truth? Isn't the one who instigates usually assigned the action verb? But in this case the defense itself is seen as the aggression. Hmmm. Wonder why?

I'm trying to think of some other incidents in history which maybe could be turned upside down in a similar way:

1939: Poland Shoots at Visiting Nazis.
2005: Jennifer Aniston Undermines Angelina Jolie's Attempt at Relationship
33AD (Circa): Jesus Gives Pilate the Silent Treatment
1998: Kenneth Starr Has a Dirty Mind for Writing the Starr Report; Clinton Shocked (Oh wait, that was actually how the media really reported it at the time.)
64 AD: People Screaming "Fire!" Interrupts Nero's Concert

Touche. But remember, according to the Recieved Wisdom, a small fraction of Catholic priests (smaller, statistically, than schoolteachers or nondenominational pastors) once did some horrible things to children, for which non-guilty Catholic parties have apologized multiple times, so it's okay to proliferate whatever falsehoods one invents against this, the one institution on the face of the planet that has sexually violated more human beings than the cheerleading coach population and killed more people than Stalin- oh wait, nevermind, contradictory statistics are readily available through Wikipedia.

It's practically axiomatic that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. It should also be axiomatic that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat themselves.

Marjoe, Watch Your Back

These kids might give the famous boy preacher a run for his money...

Bigfoot And Cain

Occasionally, the bizarre disciplines of fundamentalist scripture interpretation and cryptozoology interface in fascinating ways. Given that the first reading from Genesis in today's lectionary recounts the story of the murder of Abel by Cain, I think it affords the opportunity to talk about one of my favorite of such intersections: the belief of some Mormons that Bigfoot is actually Cain.

That's right, Cain. Not a descendant of Cain, but Cain himself. The scriptural allusion to some sort of "deformation" or "de-evolution" of Cain is traced back to Genesis 4:15, where the Lord puts a "mark" on Cain, so that no one who found him would kill him. In certain Mormon circles, this is taken to mean that Cain is immortal.

Add to this bizarre reading of the scriptural narrative the 1835 account of David Patten, one of LDS founder Joseph Smith's original "Quorum of the Twelve Apostles," who claimed that he had an encounter during which he was accompanied on the road by whom(what?) he believed to be Cain:

"He walked along beside me for about two miles. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark."

It became further apparent to Patten during this encounter in Tennessee that Bigfoot/Cain had been condemned to an immortal life, roaming the earth with the mission of destroying the souls of men.

The story of Patten's encounter with Bigfoot/Cain is recounted further in the Mormon spiritual classic, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball.

A good Mormon death means you get a planet of your own in the end. However, as demonstrated by the case of Cain, a bad Mormon death means you get stuck with this one.

I Stand With The Archbishop

If you ever want to be thoroughly depressed at the state of our society, simply read the comboxes in a public newspaper anytime anybody from the Church says anything about anything. Immediately employed is the Catholic version of the argument ad Hitlerum, wherein the reaction of the public defaults to a sticking of the fingers in the ears and a chanting of something to the effect of "LA LA LA SEX ABUSE SCANDAL LA LA LA!" As Chesterton so aptly put it, "it is generally the man who is not ready to argue, who is ready to sneer."

Such has become the case with Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk of Cincinnati's recent expression of disgust at "Sexploration Week," currently being offered on University of Cincinnati campus, notoriously sponsored by the intrepid sexplorers at Pure Romance. One caption from a photo of the "Pizza and Porn" session reads as follows:

some Students who attended “Pizza and Porn” were asked under what circumstances they would ‘do porn.’ Some would ... with provisions.

Curious for more information about "Pizza and Porn?" Here ya go:

At the event "Pizza and Porn," sexuality educator Kathleen Baldwin will discuss how "porn is not necessarily a bad thing," Johnson said. "We're not showing porn, we're just discussing porn."

Because porn is not necessarily bad, but too bad to show over pizza, apparently.

Other session titles include "Sexcapades" and "Got the Hook Up?" And if these talks whet your sexual appetites, free condoms and "safer sex kits" (I don't even want to know) abound, along with a free demonstration of products from Pure Romance to help accessorize the experience.

A word coined on Mark Shea's blog the other day aptly sums up the whole fiasco: "sluttony."

Archbishop Pilarczyk, an alumnus of the University of Cincinnati, rightly expressed his disgust at the week's events. Not surprisingly, he was greeted with a chorus of detractors, the content of most of whose comments could be summed up by "stuff it, you molestor!" and "sexual promiscuity is right because it's recent!" Here's a sampling of a few of the comments on the article from the Enquirer, which at last count filled 50+ pages:

"keep sex in the rectory where it belongs!!!"

"Mind your O.D.B. Catholic Church and Pilarczyk. Take your pageantry and pedophilia to a cave somewhere. We can all be good people and citizens without that garbage."

"Does the Archbishop realize that his parents had sex too! If not how in the world did he get here? His parents must have had impure thoughts and actions! Just once. Oh MY that may make a mortal rather that the high and mighty one he thinks he is."

"To the archbishop. GO CRALL BACK UNDER THE ROCK YOU CAME from! The only disturbing thing is how you handled the priests you shuffeled from church to church at the expense of the children that they molested. You Danile Pilarczyk are very disturbing to all of us in the city."

And so forth. Perhaps UC should consider spending their money on a campus-wide grammar and spelling convention instead.

The sex abuse scandal happened. There's no denying it; there's no excusing it. But to forget that the scandal happened inside the Church at the same time that the sexual revolution was happening outside is to live in unreality. I hate that the abuse happened in my Catholic Church, just as I hated when it happened in my Nazarene Church, or in my United Methodist Church, or in the schools I attended.

But perhaps what I hate the most about the fact that it happened in my Church is that when someone like Archbishop Pilarczyk rightly expresses disgust at a tasteless display such as "Sexploration," that the arguments he makes are automatically dismissed with the man.

An Absolute Gem From The Colbert Christmas Special

The editing is almost as great as the lyrics. Tip of the Hat to anyone who can find out whether the song was actually written by Toby Keith or Stephen's staff.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Toby Keith Sings

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

"It's A Fine Line, Really, Between Stupid And Clever..."

Watch and try to convince yourself that this isn't awesome on some level. I dare you to not watch the whole thing.



Flip of the flap to the ncregister.com.