The Most Hilarious Piece Of Speculative Pseudojournalism On Michael Phelps And The Pope That I've Read So Far

Editor's Warning: Do not read the following without eating; you may have to clean your screen and keyboard afterward.

From deadspin.com comes the "truth" about why the moustacheless heir to the Throne of Spitz decided to sleep in instead of going to Castel Gandolfo:

It's not because he got high (as we all know, the Pope smokes dope). The reason famous fish-person Michael Phelps won't meet with the Nazi Pope is buried deep in his family history, as revealed on his Wikipedia page.

It's all because of these seemingly unimportant words, from the "Personal Life" section of his user-generated biography: "His father, Fred Phelps...."

Michael Phelps' father is Fred Phelps. Unless there is more than one Fred Phelps in America, that means the Olympic champion swimmer's father is the psychotic ruler of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the creator of the famous slogan and website "God Hates Fags" and its slightly lesser known campaign, "Priests Rape Boys."

Given the statistical impossibility of the name "Fred" and the surname "Phelps" ever being combined in more than one person, it would appear that the author's logic is flawless.

Do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. It has all the piss and vinegar of a Jack Chick tirade combined with killer Lone Gunman action. Some things are just too hilarious to make me mad.

Michael Jackson And The Sabbath

Some say that the Catholic Church moves too slowly, and in comparison to the rest of the world, that may be true. For example, when it comes to canonizing someone, there's usually an investigative process that can take years, even centuries to complete. The world, by contrast, canonizes everyone at their funerals. If you don't believe that, just listen to the remarks at the next funeral you go to. The dead person is almost always "up there right now, looking down and smiling."

Such a canonization process is being carried out in many circles at the passing of Michael Jackson. Fortunately, I have enough questions about my own eternal destination that I'm not near so bold as to presume to know the destinations of anyone else. But it's impossible to talk about death without talking about God.

As such, I found myself drawn to an article published today on Beliefnet written by none other than the late Michael Jackson. It gives interesting insight into both his tortured popularity and his theology, which might be described as a blend of Kaballah and the belief of Jehovah's Witnesses. Here's an excerpt:

...what I wanted more than anything was to be ordinary. So, in my world, the Sabbath was the day I was able to step away from my unique life and glimpse the everyday.

Sundays were my day for "Pioneering," the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. We would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door to door or making the rounds of a shopping mall, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I continued my pioneering work for years and years after my career had been launched.

Up to 1991, the time of my Dangerous tour, I would don my disguise of fat suit, wig, beard, and glasses and head off to live in the land of everyday America, visiting shopping plazas and tract homes in the suburbs. I loved to set foot in all those houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderfully ordinary and, to me, magical scenes of life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were positively fascinating...



Sundays were sacred for two other reasons as I was growing up. They were both the day that I attended church and the day that I spent rehearsing my hardest. This may seem against the idea of "rest on the Sabbath," but it was the most sacred way I could spend my time: developing the talents that God gave me. The best way I can imagine to show my thanks is to make the very most of the gift that God gave me.

Church was a treat in its own right. It was again a chance for me to be "normal." The church elders treated me the same as they treated everyone else. And they never became annoyed on the days that the back of the church filled with reporters who had discovered my whereabouts. They tried to welcome them in. After all, even reporters are the children of God.

When I was young, my whole family attended church together in Indiana. As we grew older, this became difficult, and my remarkable and truly saintly mother would sometimes end up there on her own. When circumstances made it increasingly complex for me to attend, I was comforted by the belief that God exists in my heart, and in music and in beauty, not only in a building. But I still miss the sense of community that I felt there--I miss the friends and the people who treated me like I was simply one of them. Simply human. Sharing a day with God.

When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness.

My most precious days as a child were those Sundays when I was able to be free. That is what the Sabbath has always been for me. A day of freedom. Now I find this freedom and magic every day in my role as a father. The amazing thing is, we all have the ability to make every day the precious day that is the Sabbath. And we do this by rededicating ourselves to the wonders of childhood. We do this by giving over our entire heart and mind to the little people we call son and daughter. The time we spend with them is the Sabbath. The place we spend it is called Paradise.

Gomer Pyle and Corpus Christi

I can connect the two in one move.

Since Today is Jim Nabors' 79th birthday, and Sunday is the Solemnity of The Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ, it only seems appropriate to post the singing marine's rendition of "Panis Angelicus," the great Eucharistic hymn of Thomas Aquinas. Enjoy.

Why Michael Emerson Is Amazing As Ben Linus

Phil Spector's Choice In Buttons Reveals How He's Going To Try To Avoid Serving His Full Sentence For Murder

Kumar Goes To Washington

True story. And I swear it's not a RickRoll.

The Most Entertained I've Been In Minutes...

...is when I just read the "Facebook Passion." It features gems such as the following:



...although in other spots, it appears to go a bit far. In any case, a clever premise.

Jesus And Gandalf...

Are collaborating.

Both have long hair and awesome beards. Both have connections to supernatural power. But one hates Christians, and the other, well, you know.

Keeping an eye on this one...

Yet Another Sign That Our Nation Is Going The Way Of The Roman Empire

We'll just let this puppy speak for itself:

The February 14 date of Alexander Wang's fashion show could not be more fitting for the unveiling of the limited-edition condom he designed in collaboration with Planned Parenthood. The Proper Attire rubbers will be sold at Thompson Hotels, with all profits going to Planned Parenthood. “When Planned Parenthood approached me to collaborate with them on a project that makes condoms more appealing to women, I loved the idea!" Wang said. "I used a spare design that felt sexy, modern and empowering; after all, women should always come first!” Damn straight. Get a side of condoms with your next cocktail at 60 Thompson. It's for a good cause.

This titillating article is courtesy of New York Magazine.

No jokes about the designer's name in the combox.

I'm Probably The Last Person To Pick Up On This, But...

I still consider it entertaining. Is anybody else amused by the fact that TIME and US Weekly are now competing for candidate cover face time? I went to bed one night and woke up to find rock stars all over the political landscape. Am I alone in thinking that this election is starting to feel like "American Idol?"

But I digress.



I would have thought this to be a fascinating coincidence, except for the fact that it doesn't happen to be the only time the Lightworker has borrowed from Deval Patrick:



And perhaps the best-edited comprehensive piece on the whole controversy:

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Billy Johnson

Sounds like a fake name to me.

Can you believe that this month, two of the biggest entertainment icons in the world, Madonna and Michael Jackson, are turning 50? Celebrating nearly a century of musical genius between the two of them, they reach an age where most would plan for retirement, and yet they stay immortal in popular culture.

With thousands of one-hit wonders, trends and gimmicks rising and falling in the last 50 years, MJ and Madge have transcended every "phase,” continuously reinvented themselves and have managed to not fit into, but shape the entertainment scene. Their music stays in heavy rotation, their many "looks” are continuously emulated, and their influence is apparent in the chart-toppers less than half their age. How?

Yahoo! Music senior musicologist, Billy Johnson can discuss the source and impact of these icons' tremendous impact on music and culture, what led to their overwhelming global success, what might be next – and who might be capable of following in their footsteps.

Billy Johnson can discuss:

- What have they contributed to the music industry?

- What did they do right over the years to overcome the volatility of the music business?

- What specific hits were lynchpins of their success and why?

- What were their biggest mis-steps and controversies, and how did those affect their staying power?

- Are they done?

- Is anyone poised to be the next MJ or Madonna?

Billy has more than 15 years of experience covering all aspects of the music industry and his blog "Hip-Hop Media Training” is one of the most popular on Yahoo!

Yipes. How does one respond?

Option 1: "Billy Johnson is not my interviewee. He's just a blogger who claims that I am the producer..."

Option 2: "Don't cry for me, Billy Johnson, the truth is I'll never interview you..."

C.S. Lewis Appears On "Lost"

Alongside Locke, Rousseau, Hume, Austen, Dawson, Faraday, etc...

Sorry about the lateness of my pickup on this... Thanks to Narniafans.com for opening mine eyes.

There are now a series of theories about Lost paying homage to the works of C.S. Lewis, especially since the second episode of season 4, when it was revealed that anthropologist and island newcomer Charlotte's full name was "Charlotte Staples Lewis." The only other "Staples Lewis" we all know has the first name of "Clive."

Further, when Hugo turned over Sayid and Kate to Locke a couple of weeks ago, the writers admitted that the sequence was structured to pay homage to The Empire Strikes Back, with Hugo as the unenviable parallel to Lando Calrissian. Obviously the writers of Lost have an appreciation for the classics. But I digress.

Here are a few of the Lewis-inspired elements that people have suggested are present in Lost:

1. The island setting, "Adam and Eve" references, whispering voices, and good versus evil dialogues conjure images of Perelandra, the second book in Lewis' Space Trilogy.

2. Narnia has been described as a place that you can only get to if Narnia "wants you to come." The Island has been described using the same language on a number of occasions.

3. Time in Narnia is different than time in other places. Daniel Faraday's rocket arrives with a clock that has obviously gone through some type of 31-minute time warp, indicating that time on the island also works different than time in other places.

4. Numerous parallels to The Great Divorce abound, including the fact that the survivors are visited by their past and afforded opportunities to change, some never want to leave the island, and that whole "purgatory" thing.

5. Children seem to have a special importance on the island, as they also do in the Narnia books.

6. In The Last Battle the friends of Narnia die in a train crash, but are simlultaneously found in Narnia. This season, the survivors learn that the wreckage of Oceanic 815 has been found, and that all passengers have been confirmed dead.

7. Ben Linus masquerades as the balloonist, Henry Gale. Jadis, the White Witch, masquerades as queen of Narnia. Both characters have been in these alternate worlds long before their guests. Both characters invoked some tragedy to kill all of the island's previous inhabitants. Both have a paranormal connection with their respective environments, and yet both seem to be in some way in confict with their setting, which happens to be personified in both cases.

I'm sure there are many more which I merely have yet to determine. Suffice to say, there is certainly a measure of Lewis' influence, especially as Lost continues. We intend to keep you all posted as we discover new parallels. Feel free to contribute your own discoveries.