Who'da Thunk It Was Possible To Outspend Dubya?

This is why I raise chickens.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs In "Dance, Monkey, Dance!"

Dear White House: Let Joe Biden talk more. His remarks are perpetual humorous light in these dark and humorless days.

Biden To America: HOLY CRAP! EVERYBODY START FREAKING OUT!!!

Here's the "heartbeat away from the presidency" response to a 'pandemic' that has claimed a maximum of a dozen people:

...I would tell members of my family — and I have — that I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now... if you're in a confined aircraft and one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft...

We here at Apoloblogology are trying to decide whether we're relieved by the fact that the Vice President is nowhere near as divisive and evilly cunning as Dick Cheney, or bummed that he's as embarrassingly naive as Dan Quayle.

Ah, politics. Strange how its proponents keep trying to preach to us that its collective employees are somehow different.

Blagojevich Truth Is Stranger Than Blagojevich Fiction

Try reading the following story with a straight face:

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich will ask a U.S. court for permission to leave the United States to participate in a reality TV series in Costa Rica.

Blagojevich is slated to appear in NBC's I'm a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here, premiering on June 1, NBC confirmed late Tuesday.

Blagojevich "will be a participant on the show pending the court's approval," the statement said.

(...)

Blagojevich will receive $80,000 per week he appears in the reality series, which will pit 10 minor celebrities against each other in Survivor inspired competitions, the Chicago Tribune reported, citing an unnamed source. Viewers of the series, which is scheduled to run for four weeks, will get to decide who leaves the Costa Rican jungle after each episode.

NBC describes the series as "the ultimate Swiss Family Robinson" that will challenge the competitors to win food, supplies and luxury items while testing their skills at adapting to the wilderness. The last remaining celebrity will be "crowned King or Queen of the Jungle," according to a statement from NBC, and will receive a cash prize for a charity of their choice.

Blagojevich will seek permission from Judge James Zagel, who is presiding over the corruption trial, to take part in the series, said an attorney close to Blagojevich's legal team who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Currently Blagojevich's bail does not allow him to leave the United States.

I was crestfallen when Hot Rod slipped out of the news cycle; his presence made the current events docket not just tolerable, but actually entertaining. Here's hoping that Milorad keeps the hits coming.

Kumar Goes To Washington

True story. And I swear it's not a RickRoll.

I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means

In case you don't want to sit through the CNN interview that Bill Clinton did with Dr. Sanjay Gupta on the topic of Embryonic Stem Cell Research, I've gone to the trouble to excerpt the former president's thoughts on the issue of what "ethical" precautions the oversight committees should take when it comes to determining guidelines for the research:

"I think these committees need to make it clear that they're not gonna fool with any embryos where there's any possiblity, even if it's somewhat remote, that they could be fertilized and become human beings."

He and Hillary must be eating brownies out of the same pan these days. For those of you who failed sex-ed (or just snickered the whole time), an embryo is, by definition, fertilized. It is the successful union of sperm and egg.

It's incomprehensible to me that people who have this level of scientific understanding are being consulted for the determination of what is and is not scientifically permissible in the Brave New World.

Fun With Hillary

With Bushisms in swift decline, it's nice to see Hillary step up to the plate, giving us some great soundbites from her trip to Europe (emphasis mine):

"It is hard enough with two parties to come to any resolution, and I say this very respectfully, because I feel the same way about our own democracy, which has been around a lot longer than European democracy."

The remark provoked much headshaking in the parliament of a bloc that likes to trace back its democratic tradition thousands of years to the days of classical Greece.

One working lunch later with EU leaders, Clinton raised more eyebrows when she referred to EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana, who stood beside her, as "High Representative Solano."

She also dubbed European Commission External Relations Commissioner Benita Ferrero-Waldner as "Benito.".

Dr. Alan Keyes Refuses To Comment

I recall that when Barack Obama met George Bush in the White House before the transition of power, Bush lamented that both he and the then president-elect had something in common: "we both had to debate Alan Keyes." That was before they had bailouts in common. If you're not familiar with the reasons why both Obama and Bush shudder at the very mention of Keyes' name, perhaps the following video will help clear things up:



I interviewed Dr. Keyes once. If I recall, it went something like this.

$aving Bad! $pending Good!

The Upside Of Congress Passing Hog-Farm Legislation Before Any Of Us Could See It...

...is that it generates some decent material for people like the perenially witty Mike Huckabee. See below:

Nancy Pelosi Needs Her Prescriptions Refilled.

She's in charge... why?

Here's her argument for economic stimulus, wherein she cites that one-sixth of the country loses their jobs monthly. According to her predictions, we're all dead meat in six months:

The Main Difference Between George W. Bush And Barack H. Obama

Preview Of A Mug Shot

Here's a side view of the subject of what will be the first presidential pardon of the Obama administration....

Rahm Emanuel. Like Dick Cheney, but without the connections.

Two Instances When The Media Is Not Allowed To Criticize The President Of The United States

1. Wartime.

2. Anytime after noon today.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Dr. Harold Katz

Yes, friends, this is real. Oh, the joys of producing.

Don’t Eat That Garlic Bread, Hillary!

Tips to Keep Our New Top Diplomat Halitosis-Free

With Sen. Hillary Clinton poised to accept her new job as U.S. Secretary of State – effectively making her the nation’s top diplomat – it seems that her relationships with foreign leaders would be of paramount importance. But Dr. Harold Katz, Dentist to the Stars, is more worried about her turning off potential allies with bad breath.

“When people talk a lot for their job, it increases their exposure to the bacteria that causes bad breath,” Katz said. “Moreover, the Secretary of State visits foreign countries and eats the local fare, and much or the cuisine in the far east and in Europe are well-known for their halitosis-causing properties.”

Dr. Katz advises the former First Lady to do the following to avoid embarrassing breath-related faux-pas:

·No onions or garlic! That means no FRENCH onion soup or spicy KOREAN kimchee. Onions and garlic contain odorous sulfur compounds, similar to the Volatile Sulfur Compounds produced by anaerobic bacteria breeding beneath the surface of your tongue, throat and tonsils.

·Watch out for dairy foods! No SWISS cheese! Blintzes are OK, but NO Sour Cream. Dairy foods contain dense proteins that are used by the sulfur-producing bacteria to create odors such as Hydrogen sulfide (the rotten egg smell), Cadaverine, and Putrescine – no need to describe what those chemicals smell like.

·Cut down on your coffee. It doesn’t matter if it’s TURKISH coffee or ITALIAN roast coffee, COLOMBIAN or JAVA - Coffee stimulates the bad breath bacteria to produce more odors because coffee is very acidic. Do what the BRITS do, drink tea! Tea is actually good for your breath.

·Avoid the Booze – No Alcohol for you. That’s right, stay away from SCOTCH, IRISH coffee. Alcohol makes the mouth dry and that creates an environment that mimics 24 hour morning breath. Saliva is nature’s way of keeping your breath fresh (think baby’s breath). The less saliva you have, the worse your breath gets. By the way, Hill – There is MORE alcohol in the leading mouthwash formulas than an entire 6 pack of BECK’S, SAPPORO, TSINGTAO, etc. So, if you’re choosing between a medicine burning mouthwash or a bottle of MOLSON’S, go for the brewski – but sip some water immediately afterwards to dilute the effect of the alcohol.

·Stay away from sugar. Sugar feeds all types of bacteria, including the bad breath bugs, so if you want to chew some candy, avoid SWEDISH FISH and look for sugarless mints, such as ZOX (they contain ZINC, OXYGEN, and XYLITOL) to fight bad breath and dry mouth or sugarless gum like TheraBreath gum, which contains oxygenating compounds. Find them both at www.therabreath.com.

·If you’re HUNGRY (HUNGARY) it’s OK to have some carbs. Carbs won’t give you bad breath. So when in DENMARK, look for a DANISH. If you’re in CAMEROON, ask for a MACAROON.

·There are also a few proteins that are OK. If you’re looking for a SANDWICH (Sandwich Islands) order TURKEY, TOGO.

·Best advice: Look for oxygenating oral products, such as TheraBreath or PerioTherapy. They are all natural formulas that attack BOTH bacterial bad breath AND stinky food bad breath. Hillary can find them anywhere in the world by going to www.therabreath.com.

And, if Hillary comes across a prime minister or foreign diplomat with Halitosis – and she can’t find the strength to tell them about their bad breath, she doesn’t need to worry. Dr. Harold Katz will do it for her through his online “tell a friend” program. Just click on: http://www.therabreath.com/tellafriend.asp. Dr. Katz takes care of the rest – and the best part, It’s anonymous. Bill and Obama will never know that Hillary contacted Dr. Katz.

If you get an email from Dr. Katz telling you that you have bad breath, you didn't get it from me.

Findings From Our Presidential Poll

With exactly one week to go before the real elections, we have come up with our predictions and analysis based on an utterly unrepresentative sampling of our readership. To those of you who participated in the poll, we extend our gratitude. To those of you who didn’t, just remember that you can’t complain if you didn’t vote.

As a replacement of the candidate selection poll, we are going to be running an Inflammatory Poll Question Of The Day that hopefully will help you get in some good practice as November 4 approaches.

Here are some basic conclusions we’ve drawn from the collected data:

Way More People Are Voting For John McCain Because Of Sarah Palin Than Are Voting For Barack Obama Because Of Joe Biden.

20% of all voters polled said that their reason for voting for McWhatshisname is that cute chick with glasses that he won’t let say anything. Only 2% are equally excited about Bellowing Biden.

Nobody Really Has Any Idea What Change Is.

We say this because 10 percent of you think it would come from Obama, 7% of you think that it would come from McCain, and none of you thought it would come from any of the third party candidates. We find this odd, seeing as how both McCain and Obama signed the bailout. It’s perhaps even odder considering that Obama is a liberal masquerading as a moderate, while McCain is a moderate masquerading as a conservative. Change, indeed. Like a chameleon.

The Third Parties Are Gathering Strength.

Roughly 30% of you are sick of it all, but not so sick of it all that you’re unwilling to participate. Consider yourselves encouraged by one another, and better luck next time.

I Tricked Three Of You.

Three people checked the box indicating that they’re not voting. Ha! You just voted!

People Are Willing To Go On Record Saying They Like Babies More Than Their Own Money.

Oh, that it were true of society at large. People who named a specific issue that drives their voting decision ranked as follows: abortion- 29%, the economy- 6%, Iraq- 5%.

More Of You Want A Woman President Than A Black President.

That is, if politics didn’t matter, and we know that they do. Pro-woman president: 6%, pro-black president- 1%. Feel free to disregard this analysis in favor of defaming us as either a chauvinist or a bigot.

The Antichrist May Or May Not Be Among Us.

Of the apocalyptically minded among you, 13% of you think it’s Obama, and 3% of you think it’s McCain. Of course, as I John 2:18 reminds us, many antichrists have come…

Again, please accept our gratitude for your participation in our divisive and leading poll. Perhaps you found it less divisive and leading than some of the other polls being aired as news items. In any case, please do visit our Inflammatory Poll Questions Of The Day as we post them.

Pros And Cons From The Chuck Baldwin Rally

Not sure what the title of his speech was, so I'm affectionately calling it "American Hellfire: How Our Federal Fiascos Are Failing The Founders."

Turns out this was not an actual political rally, but in fact an alumni weekend for Midwestern Baptist College, and Pastor Chuck was something of a penultimate attraction before the evening's keynote speaker, who appeared to be a revival preacher of some kind. I could be wrong. Suffice to say that my wife and I in our T-shirts and jeans stuck out like sore Catholic thumbs in the sea of waist-length hair and shoe-length dresses on the women's side, and the sea of glittering tie-clasps on the men's side.

However, Pastor Chuck did not disappoint, at least in terms of vigor and force. I did, however, spend most of the talk thinking about how Ron Paul is a much more convincing orator, and less prone to emotional appeals. Ah, well.

I've decided the best way to critique this rally would be to list the pros and cons of what I saw from Pastor Baldwin:

Pro:
-Affirmed the sanctity of all human life, unborn, poor, or otherwise marginalized
-Expressed disappointment in attempts to secure Iraq's borders while leaving our own undefended
-Expressed disappointment in rewarding financial irresponsibility with billions of taxpayer dollars
-Expressed his presidential preference for an unbeliever who followed the constitution to a believer who disregarded the constitution
-Lamented the growing scope of government

Con:
-Even more theocratic than Barack Obama
-Total Calvinist
-Louder than Joe Biden
-Lauded Daniel Webster and other Freemasons
-Made the outrageous claim that Baptist (actually Congregationalist) minister John Langdon was solely responsible for making sure that Thomas Jefferson wrote religious liberty into the Constitution.

Bottom line: we're still voting for Joe.

My Curiosity Is Killing Me

Guess where we'll be tonight:

Presidential Candidate Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party will be speaking this week in Cincinnati so tell your friends and bring a crowd with you to meet the only candidate for President who promises to:

Secure the Border
Bring our Troops Home
Abolish the Federal Reserve: Learn why here and here.
Protect the Unborn
Return America to Constitutional Government

October 14 in Cincinnati - Tuesday night at 6:30 pm


First Baptist Church of Milford - 1367 Woodville Pike
Milford, Ohio Phone: (513) 575-1705

Directions: From I-275 take Exit 57 (Blanchester/Milford). Go East on Rt 28 toward Blanchester.

Take the Rt 28 bypass to Woodville Pike, bear right at Walgreens, Church is on the right, less than one mile.

The church is located approximately 5 miles from the I-275 exit.

Expect a full report.

Too Close To The Truth Not To Be Hilarious

Jasmine's Influence Extends To A Parisian Runway

I'm still trying to figure out how everyone seems to think that it's the Ron Paul devotees that are hypnotized and crazy.

By the way, here's Ron Paul on the bailout that was supported by both John McCain and Barack Obama:



No wonder Washington doesn't want him around.