Findings From Our Presidential Poll

With exactly one week to go before the real elections, we have come up with our predictions and analysis based on an utterly unrepresentative sampling of our readership. To those of you who participated in the poll, we extend our gratitude. To those of you who didn’t, just remember that you can’t complain if you didn’t vote.

As a replacement of the candidate selection poll, we are going to be running an Inflammatory Poll Question Of The Day that hopefully will help you get in some good practice as November 4 approaches.

Here are some basic conclusions we’ve drawn from the collected data:

Way More People Are Voting For John McCain Because Of Sarah Palin Than Are Voting For Barack Obama Because Of Joe Biden.

20% of all voters polled said that their reason for voting for McWhatshisname is that cute chick with glasses that he won’t let say anything. Only 2% are equally excited about Bellowing Biden.

Nobody Really Has Any Idea What Change Is.

We say this because 10 percent of you think it would come from Obama, 7% of you think that it would come from McCain, and none of you thought it would come from any of the third party candidates. We find this odd, seeing as how both McCain and Obama signed the bailout. It’s perhaps even odder considering that Obama is a liberal masquerading as a moderate, while McCain is a moderate masquerading as a conservative. Change, indeed. Like a chameleon.

The Third Parties Are Gathering Strength.

Roughly 30% of you are sick of it all, but not so sick of it all that you’re unwilling to participate. Consider yourselves encouraged by one another, and better luck next time.

I Tricked Three Of You.

Three people checked the box indicating that they’re not voting. Ha! You just voted!

People Are Willing To Go On Record Saying They Like Babies More Than Their Own Money.

Oh, that it were true of society at large. People who named a specific issue that drives their voting decision ranked as follows: abortion- 29%, the economy- 6%, Iraq- 5%.

More Of You Want A Woman President Than A Black President.

That is, if politics didn’t matter, and we know that they do. Pro-woman president: 6%, pro-black president- 1%. Feel free to disregard this analysis in favor of defaming us as either a chauvinist or a bigot.

The Antichrist May Or May Not Be Among Us.

Of the apocalyptically minded among you, 13% of you think it’s Obama, and 3% of you think it’s McCain. Of course, as I John 2:18 reminds us, many antichrists have come…

Again, please accept our gratitude for your participation in our divisive and leading poll. Perhaps you found it less divisive and leading than some of the other polls being aired as news items. In any case, please do visit our Inflammatory Poll Questions Of The Day as we post them.