Thank You, Future, For Freaking Us All Out With Gross New Ethical Questions

In my collegiate days, I remember many a coffee-sustained night in many a dorm room and diner wherein my fellow budding intellects and I tackled improbable ethical question after improbable ethical question in the interest of stimulating both our common desire to work our philosophical muscles, and our common interest in The X Files.

I remember pondering questions such as, "when science comes up with ways to replace every human body part incrementally with mechanical parts, at what point does the person cease to have a human soul?", "is it immoral to murder a child zombie?" and "should that lady in The Good Son have let go of Elijah Wood or Macaulay Culkin?"

However, never in our wildest imaginations could we have come up with something as disturbing and ethically befuddling as what one greiving mother is trying to accomplish:

A Texas woman, Missy Evans, has harvested her dead son's sperm and hopes to find a surrogate and one day raise her son's child.

(...)

Nikolas Colton Evans had talked about how much he wanted to have a child, but the 21-year-old died after he was punched and hit his head on the ground in a fight. Evans isn't concerned about what others might think. She says she is only doing what her son would have wanted. "He would love me so much for doing this," she told the Associated Press.

After a doctor told her that nothing more could be done for her son, Missy Evans came up with the idea of harvesting his sperm. She discussed the idea with her ex-husband, her older son and other family members, and said all supported her wish to help a part of Nikolas live on through his future offspring. She said her son once told her he wanted three sons and had already picked out names.

(...)

Evans had to go to court to get permission to harvest his sperm. On Tuesday, a Travis County probate judge granted her wish and ordered that local officials nearly freeze his body so experts could come in and take his sperm to allow a future birth.

Apoloblogology Bioethics Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcom, when reached for comment, had this to say: ""Genetic power is the most awesome force the planet's ever witnessed, yet you wield it like a mom that's harvested her kid's semen."

R.I.P. Michael Crichton, 1942-2008

When reached for comment, Apoloblogology Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcolm kept repeating, "He left us! He left us!"

Thanks for all the memories of the future, and 500 seasons of E.R.

And here's a fun little prophecy he wrote about how the spiral-eyed mainstream media will soon shut down its kool-aid stand.

Dr. Ian Malcolm Speaks To Today's Electorate

"Oooh! Ahhh! That's how it always starts. Then later there's running, and screaming..."

For The Love Of God, Don't Try This At Home

Deepest apologies for the above image, but it unfortunately applies.

A Scottish scientist is warning other scientists and legislators about the possible fallout that might result from experimentation with human sperm and chimpanzee eggs. According to Dr. Callum McKellar (who wins the Awesome Scottish Name Of The Day Award), were a human to mate with a chimpanzee, the DNA are close enough to where a hybrid could result from the union.

When reached for comment, Apoloblogology Field Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcolm stated, "Yes first it's 'ooh, aah, look at the Manpanzee,' but then there's screaming, and yelling, and running..."

Does anyone else get the feeling that this was addressed in Leviticus? I feel like a couple verses after "you shall not boil a young goat in its mother's milk" there has to be something to the effect of "you shall not mate with another species that shares 98.5% of your DNA..."

What The Vatican's New Seven Deadly Sins Are... And What They're Not

File under: The Wonder That Is (British (Lack Of)) Religion?

At the prompting of the inimitable Jimmy Richter, my comrade in (sleeve tattooed) arms, I have decided to weigh in on this provocative subject. Please bear with my fumbling analysis.

Much has been made of a Vatican pronouncement of seven new deadly sins, which, after reading the sources, was neither a pronouncement, nor an enumeration of seven sins. You gotta love British journalism. It makes real news into tabloids, and tabloids into real news.

That being said, it's not a bad thing at all to discuss the things mentioned in L'Osservatorio Romano as deadly sins. Nor is there any sense in which the things wrongly cast as a "replacement list" are anything new, especially to anyone who has been paying attention to what's been coming out of Rome for decades. As such, we have decided to set down to explain what each of the British media's interpretations of the new "seven deadly sins" are, and what they are not.

Sin #1: Thou Shalt Not Engage in "Morally Dubious" Experimentation

What it is not: A prohibition of all stem cell research. As some who are paying attention have noticed, the Vatican is extremely in favor of stem cell research. What the Vatican is against is creating test-tube babies for the sole purpose of killing them and harvesting their parts in order to treat Michael J. Fox.

What it is: A stern warning to those who would do anything that Dr. Ian Malcolm would see as being really, really bad, especially when it comes to human-animal hybrids, and the exultation of discovery over ethics.

Sin #2: Thou Shalt Not Engage In Bioethical Violations

What it is not: A backward and reactionary knee-jerk response to anyone who wants to make medical and reproductive advances in our culture.

What it is: An upbraiding of the Western ideal that we should screw anything and everything that will hold still, and some things that won't, whether by coercion or free will.

Sin #3: Thou Shalt Not Abuse Drugs

What it is not: A Scientologist's guide to mental illness.

What it is: Seriously, if someone has to explain to you what constitutes drug abuse, you're probably on drugs.

Sin #4: Thou Shalt Not Pollute The Environment

What it is not: An assurance that you will go to hell if you drive an SUV or don't recycle.

What it is: A reminder that a correct environmentalism has to have the dignity of human life at its center, as opposed to having a hatred of human life at its center. Whenever we pollute water sources or waste food, we should realize the effect that it has on the poor nations and peoples of this earth, rather than thinking about how those poor people should freaking stop procreating so us Westerners can continue to drive SUV's and throw our Wendy's bags out the window.

Sin #5: Thou Shalt Not Contribute To Making Others Poor:

What it is not: An admonition to stop working hard so as to succeed in this world.

What it is: A slap in the face to the oil industry (Western and Arabic alike), the CEO's who fire people in Detroit and perpetuate below-minimum wage sweat shoppery in third world countries, and those of us who haven't thought hard enough about how to stop buying from China. Every penny spent is a vote ratifying the policies of the corporations from which we buy things. Is conscious consumerism such a difficult thing to ask?

Sin #6: Thou Shalt Not Store Up For Thyself Excessive Wealth:

What it is not: A commandment that applies to yours truly.

What it is: A reminder that retirement from work is not a retirement from social responsibility. You're still part of the human race, even if you think some of the rest of the human race smells sort of funny. From everyone to whom much is given, much will be required.

Sin #7: Thou Shalt Not Widen The Divide Between The Rich And The Poor:

What it is not: Does anyone feel like the disingenuous denizens of the British media really just tried to cut Sin #5 in half in order to make an even Seven?

What it is: A call to reflection for those who keep making the rich richer and the poor poorer, who rely on third world labor laws to perpetuate their daily surf and turf dinners but make sure their hourly employees never average enough hours to where the company has to provide health insurance.

We hope this brings clarity to the Vatican's updated list of Seven Deadly Sins, which was never intended to be a new list of Seven Deadly Sins in the first place.