Happy 155th Birthday, Republican Party

And even though you no longer exist, we sincerely hope that all those involved in your offshoots are as morbidly amused and bewildered as I am that your first president was Abraham Lincoln, and that the next "Abraham Lincoln" was a Democrat.

Happy 225th Birthday, Methodist Church

And even though you no longer exist, we sincerely hope that all involved in your offshoots find their hearts strangely warmed today.

Shock! Pope Benedict Misrepresented By Media

Proving what Chesterton said when he stated that "it is generally the man who is not ready to argue, who is ready to sneer," here are my top ten favorite sneery headlines from press outlets who cherry picked a single sentence from BXIV, divorced it from its context, and proceeded to generally mislead the general public:

1. "Pope Benedict at Christmas: Preaching bigotry disguised as compassion"- The San Francisco Chronicle

2. "Pope Benedict's Vatican Address Angers Gay Community"- ABC News (still waiting on the headline "Gay Community's Distortion Of Vatican Address Angers Pope Benedict")

3. "Protect The Planet From Gays, Pope Says"- Canberra Times

4. "The Pope's Christmas Condemnation Of Transsexuals"- Time

5. "Saving The World From Homosexuality Like Saving Rainforests: Pope"- Indian Express.

6. "Fury As The Pope Says: Save The World From Gays"- Aberdeen Press And Journal

7. "Pope Accused Of Spreading Fear About Homosexuals"- Daily Mail

8. "Pope Says Gays Could End Human Race"- First Post

9. "Pope's Latest Outburst 'Justifies' Homophobic Bullying"- Pink News.

10. "Pope Rebuked For Stoking Homophobic Sentiments"- The Scotsman.

Let's do a little experiment here. I'm going to take a HUGE journalistic risk, and print here the text of Pope Benedict XVI's address that has caused the sensational pseudojournalistic firestorm detailed above. See if you can find the following words or phrases in it: "Save the Planet," "End Human Race," "Homophobic Bullying," "Homosexual," "Gay," "Transsexual," or "Rainforest Equals Heterosexuality":

Since faith in the Creator is an essential part of the Christian Creed, the Church cannot and should not limit itself to transmitting to its faithful only the message of salvation. She has a responsibility for Creation, and it should validate this responsibility in public.

In so doing, it should defend not just the earth, water and air as gifts of Creation that belong to everyone. She should also protect man from destroying himself.

It is necessary to have something like an ecology of man, understood in the right sense. It is not outdated metaphysics when the Church speaks of the nature of the human being as man and woman, and asks that this natural order be respected.

This has to do with faith in the Creator and listening to the language of creation, which, if disregarded, would be man's self-destruction and therefore a destruction of God's work itself.

That which has come to be expressed and understood with the term 'gender' effectively results in man's self-emancipation from Creation (nature) and from the Creator. Man wants to do everything by himself and to decide always and exclusively about anything that concerns him personally. But this is to live against truth, to live against the Spirit Creator.

The tropical rain forests deserve our protection, yes, but man does not deserve it less as a Creature of the Spirit himself, in whom is inscribed a message that does not mean a contradiction of human freedom but its condition.

The great theologians of Scholasticism described matrimony - which is the lifelong bond between a man and a woman - as a sacrament of Creation, that the Creator himself instituted, and that Christ, without changing the message of Creation, welcomed in the story of his alliance with men.

Part of the announcement that the Church should bring to men is a testimonial for the Spirit Creator present in all of nature, but specially in the nature of man, who was created in the image of God.

One must reread the encyclical Humanae vitae with this perspective: the intention of Pope Paul VI was to defend love against consumer sex, the future against the exclusive claim of the moment, and human nature against manipulation.

From reading the articles linked above, you'd think that the Holy Father had just off the top of his head said, "Merry Christmas! And by the way, all you gay people are going to Hell." In none of the articles linked above will you find a single reasoned response to the metaphysical and ontological arguments presented in the Pope's address. All you will find is foamy-mouthed crotch-liberation theology. Is there such a thing as the ideal setting for sexuality as created by God? It's awful hard to deny. And it's not homophobic to say so.

Conspiracy Theory Belly Laugh Of The Day

Got this little piece of awesomeness from David Hartline's blog. As someone who enthusiastically collects anti-Catholic propaganda, this has to be one of the awesomest accusations I have ever seen from Reformation.org (I'm printing the highlights below):

Russian Patriarch Alexy II—the Pope of the Russian Orthodox Church—died suddenly of poisoning on November 5, 2008...

Patriarch Alexy II was the Pope of the Greek church, and his position was equivalent to that of the Pope of the Latin church...

Memorial services for the poisoned Patriarch were held at Christ the Saviour Cathedral in Moscow on December 9, 2008...

Obviously Te Deum's (sic) are being sung and there is great rejoicing at the Vatican over the downfall of the leader of their millenarian enemy—the Russian Orthodox church...

Both the Black Pope (my note: the Superior General of the Jesuits) and White Pope (my note: B16) were ALARMED by the resurgence of the Russian Orthodox church after 70 years of communism...

Obviously there is not enough room in the world for 3 Popes!!

The Russian Pope also had a beard which made him look more like St. Peter than the other 2 Popes!!(emphasis mine)

President-elect Obama's mentor and guru is Polish born Zbigniew Brzezinski.

Brzezinski was the éminence grise behind the Papacy of Pope John Paul II and is an extreme Russophobe and hater of all things Russian.

An Obama Presidency will mean only one thing: WAR WITH RUSSIA!!

That's right, kids. If you look more like St. Peter than he does, Pope Benedict will KILL you.

This conspiracy theory involving the Catholic and Orthodox Churches may be my new favorite, toppling the one about how the Vatican invented Communism to take out the Russian Church.

By the way, let me point out that as a mindless automaton of the Pope, I am never offended by these things. They always seem to bring a little spark of hilarity to my day.

What The Vatican's New Seven Deadly Sins Are... And What They're Not

File under: The Wonder That Is (British (Lack Of)) Religion?

At the prompting of the inimitable Jimmy Richter, my comrade in (sleeve tattooed) arms, I have decided to weigh in on this provocative subject. Please bear with my fumbling analysis.

Much has been made of a Vatican pronouncement of seven new deadly sins, which, after reading the sources, was neither a pronouncement, nor an enumeration of seven sins. You gotta love British journalism. It makes real news into tabloids, and tabloids into real news.

That being said, it's not a bad thing at all to discuss the things mentioned in L'Osservatorio Romano as deadly sins. Nor is there any sense in which the things wrongly cast as a "replacement list" are anything new, especially to anyone who has been paying attention to what's been coming out of Rome for decades. As such, we have decided to set down to explain what each of the British media's interpretations of the new "seven deadly sins" are, and what they are not.

Sin #1: Thou Shalt Not Engage in "Morally Dubious" Experimentation

What it is not: A prohibition of all stem cell research. As some who are paying attention have noticed, the Vatican is extremely in favor of stem cell research. What the Vatican is against is creating test-tube babies for the sole purpose of killing them and harvesting their parts in order to treat Michael J. Fox.

What it is: A stern warning to those who would do anything that Dr. Ian Malcolm would see as being really, really bad, especially when it comes to human-animal hybrids, and the exultation of discovery over ethics.

Sin #2: Thou Shalt Not Engage In Bioethical Violations

What it is not: A backward and reactionary knee-jerk response to anyone who wants to make medical and reproductive advances in our culture.

What it is: An upbraiding of the Western ideal that we should screw anything and everything that will hold still, and some things that won't, whether by coercion or free will.

Sin #3: Thou Shalt Not Abuse Drugs

What it is not: A Scientologist's guide to mental illness.

What it is: Seriously, if someone has to explain to you what constitutes drug abuse, you're probably on drugs.

Sin #4: Thou Shalt Not Pollute The Environment

What it is not: An assurance that you will go to hell if you drive an SUV or don't recycle.

What it is: A reminder that a correct environmentalism has to have the dignity of human life at its center, as opposed to having a hatred of human life at its center. Whenever we pollute water sources or waste food, we should realize the effect that it has on the poor nations and peoples of this earth, rather than thinking about how those poor people should freaking stop procreating so us Westerners can continue to drive SUV's and throw our Wendy's bags out the window.

Sin #5: Thou Shalt Not Contribute To Making Others Poor:

What it is not: An admonition to stop working hard so as to succeed in this world.

What it is: A slap in the face to the oil industry (Western and Arabic alike), the CEO's who fire people in Detroit and perpetuate below-minimum wage sweat shoppery in third world countries, and those of us who haven't thought hard enough about how to stop buying from China. Every penny spent is a vote ratifying the policies of the corporations from which we buy things. Is conscious consumerism such a difficult thing to ask?

Sin #6: Thou Shalt Not Store Up For Thyself Excessive Wealth:

What it is not: A commandment that applies to yours truly.

What it is: A reminder that retirement from work is not a retirement from social responsibility. You're still part of the human race, even if you think some of the rest of the human race smells sort of funny. From everyone to whom much is given, much will be required.

Sin #7: Thou Shalt Not Widen The Divide Between The Rich And The Poor:

What it is not: Does anyone feel like the disingenuous denizens of the British media really just tried to cut Sin #5 in half in order to make an even Seven?

What it is: A call to reflection for those who keep making the rich richer and the poor poorer, who rely on third world labor laws to perpetuate their daily surf and turf dinners but make sure their hourly employees never average enough hours to where the company has to provide health insurance.

We hope this brings clarity to the Vatican's updated list of Seven Deadly Sins, which was never intended to be a new list of Seven Deadly Sins in the first place.