Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Claire Heaton

Editor's note: The following text has been annotated by the staff of Apoloblogology for your literary enjoyment.

You may not believe what Claire Heaton has to say, and that’s OK. Her message isn’t dependent upon acceptance, but delivery. (Excellent! I love venture capitalist cults of personality!)

From the age of five, Heaton began to realize she could recall the details of a time and place in history, as if she actually lived it. Heaton’s unusual journey goes back to the time when Jesus walked the Earth, to tell the story of Martha, Jesus’ sister and the co-founder of his ministry, who was removed from history by the early rulers of the Christian Church. Martha’s Voice: Portrait in Words, Heaton’s new book, has been waiting in the wings for decades, with the author reluctant to provide clear fodder for skeptics and ‘true’ believers who can’t see the divine forest for the trees planted by Christ.(Hang on... So is the forest bad, or are the trees bad? I think you got your maxim backwards...)

INTERVIEW THE WOMAN WHO COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT CHRISTIANITY

“I’m not a psychic, I don’t claim to have special gifts or abilities,” says Heaton. “Something happened to me, and it’s something the world needs to hear.” (...but not accept, because it's not dependent upon acceptance. Remember, per her press release, the only value in this message is that it makes Heaton feel better delivering it.)

Interview Heaton and discover:

·How and why the true story of Jesus’ sister, Martha, was completely removed from history by early Christian leaders.(Omitted for centuries from tradition, but miraculously rediscovered by archaeologists excavating the head of Claire Heaton.)

·How Jesus had no intention of establishing a new religion, but only a new perspective on life, which he hoped could be embraced by people from all cultures and religious affiliations, or with no religious affiliation (Also, how he founded a Church in a conversation with Peter, also how you should take up your cross and follow him, also tons of stuff about fulfilling the Judaic religious law...)

·How early Christian leadership were experts at spin, as are today's leaders of Christianity; creating a story that bore no resemblance to the truth to benefit their lofty personal ambitions.(Lofty ambitions such as the high hopes of being impaled on a pike and used as a human torch, being torn apart by wild beasts, hopes of becoming like Christ in his death...)

·Why a great social injustice has befallen mankind due to the emotional and political control established across the world by the institution of Christianity, and why there is a revolt against such influence by people from other cultures and religious beliefs.(Just interviewed a priest who ministers to refugees in the Sudan, and he related how he had baptized 1,000 individual new Christians in a day in Darfur and had arm pains all week from pouring all the water. Man, that guy must have been a seriously powerful political figure...)

·Why, if the true life story and ministry of Jesus had been taught, the world as we know it today would simply not exist, and prevailing problems we currently face would be an incomprehensible scenario for us to imagine. (To quote the prophet Chesterton, "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." We're almost in agreement here, except for the fact that you think the message of Christ was hidden for 2000 years and fully and miraculously appeared in your head after centuries of burial 'neath the swirling sands of time.)

“All I ask is for people to trust … themselves,” notes Heaton. “The evidence to support my story is more accessible and has more validity than any historical text. Unless controlled by fear, your inner voice is never wrong.”(Sweet. That means my inner voice is not at all wrong if it's controlled by ambition, lust, anarchy, or hate. It's that fear stuff you've got to watch out for...)

www.marthasvoice.com

I feel like somebody exchanged the lunch I packed with a sack full of Crazy Sandwiches.

Upon The Feast Of Sts. Peter And Paul

The models of rhetorical inefficiency; one's perpetually being robbed, while the other's perpetually being paid.

Excerpts From The Non-Canonical Gospels Unjustly Suppressed By The Evil And Overbearing Church, Part II

From the Gospel of Thomas:

12 The disciples said to Jesus: we know that you will go away from us. Who will be the greatest among us? Jesus answered: wherever you gather together, go to James the Just through whom heaven and earth were made.

The Apoloblogology Guide To Properly Defacing Bibles

Editor's note: The following article is a rerun. We originally posted this little gem on June 30, 2007, but the compulsion to keep this blog updated combined with the lack of time to do so has led us to throw it like a half-eaten smoked turkey leg at you, our salivating and desperate readership. Hope you enjoy it as much the second time around.

The very thought of tossing a book onto a bonfire usually evokes strong reactions, even from those who don't read books. Whenever the practice is mentioned, the popular mind is transported to its employment by goose-stepping Nazis, or perhaps KJV-only enthusiasts. Overall, the current mood is decidedly against throwing anything that has been professionally (or otherwise) bound into anything that might burn it up.

I feel that this is a one-dimensional view of the matter, and one that requires dimensional expansion.

The first complication that can be thrown into the debate is the diversification of motive. When Hitler ordered the burning of certain materials, it was in order to censor them and prevent those under his control from encountering ideas in opposition to the Third Reich. When KJV-only haters of the Revised Standard Version threw it in the fire, they had similar aspirations, but on a much smaller scale. To burn a book as an act of censorship is ethically questionable in almost every case.

However, it is the opinion of this non-book publication that burning a book out of frustration can be a valid and even rewarding activity. And while this author has never gotten up the nerve to throw any of his library onto a flaming pyre, he remembers thinking how cathartic such a move might be after his first encounter with James Joyce. How else is one able to take revenge against the dead?

Concerning the subject of Bibles, however, the issue gets stickier. Especially in light of the ongoing special reports featured on this website which have explored the 'pimp my Bible' phenomenon, it is not motive that should be questioned, but rather method.

Since the Bible (in most translations) is, after all, Holy Writ, burning the words and works of Jesus takes on Jeffersonian gravity. Is the scripture itself the source of frustration? Speaking as an utterly loyal devotee of the Bible, I can certainly confess to my own Luther-esque moments where I wanted to burn certain parts. Nevertheless, we have what we have, and that's what we have.

The trick is to figure out how to deface offensive add-ons without damaging the actual scripture. This can be extremely difficult, since often these theologically (or aesthetically) offensive accessories are on one side of a page, while the text of the scriptures is on the other side, making it impossible to burn bathwater without also burning a little bit of baby.

That being said, we recommend the following course of action to any who want to engage in the cathartic practice of destroying the pimped-out part of pimped-out Bibles: take some writing utensil (not a Sharpie, since Bible pages tend to have a high bleed factor, but something sufficiently dark) and scribble furiously over things such as C.I. Scofield's footnote to Revelation identifying the pope as Antichrist, or the Princess Bible's millisecond meditations on how to be a pretty princess and a convincing Christian at the same time.

And, since none of you should be using any of your own money to purchase these violated Bibles in the first place, it's probably a good idea to just go into a local Christian bookstore and take care of the issues with the items on the shelves, so that the people who eventually buy them won't get confused.

Upon The Feast Of St. Cyril Of Alexandria

I'll see your Christotokos and raise you a Theotokos.

A Dark View Of The Potential Future

Originally brought to our collective attention February 7, 2007. Consider yourselves re-warned.

Freakish New Technology Allows Robots To Read The Minds Of Humans

From Japan (not surprisingly) comes the latest in an ongoing series of us delivering our fates into the mechanical digits of our future robotic rulers:

"Rolling your eyes to turn up the volume of a portable music player and tapping your fingers to turn on a DVD player are among technologies Japan's top mobile carrier is testing for "wearable" gadgets.

[snip]

In a demonstration Tuesday for the Associated Press, researcher Hiroyuki Manabe wore a giant headset covered with wires to show how computer graphic lines in a monitor connected to the headset darted wildly whenever his eyes moved.

He turned up the volume on a digital music player by rolling his eyes, and he jerked his eyes twice to the right to fast forward.

Not included in the article were the future Matthew Chapter Five-esque implications of pursuing such technologies to their logical end. What happens when one thinks murderously of one's brother, and his or her robotic headgear interprets such a brainwave as an order, resulting in the vaporization of said opponent? On we slip down the slippery slope of cat-killing technological curiosity...

Upon The Solemnity Of The Nativity Of John The Baptist

Talking back to angels makes you dumb.

Upon The Feast Of St. Thomas More

God before country.

Upon The Feast Of St. Aloysius Gonzaga

"There is no more evident sign that anyone is a saint and of the number of the elect, than to see him leading a good life and at the same time a prey to desolation, suffering, and trials."

Take that, Bishop Womack-El.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule

Oh, the press releases you get when your email address gets loose...

What The Church Doesn’t Want You To Know: Bishop Tells Of The Bible’s Secret Support Of Astrology

“Religion is designed to keep people enslaved,” Says Bishop Shammah Womack-El, author of the new book “The Bible Is Astrology.” For thousands of years the Church has been trying to suppress the truth: the Christian religion is fundamentally rooted in the same ideas they decry as evil - the zodiac. These are among the things the Church doesn’t want you to find out. “I know what goes on in a church,” Says Bishop Womack-El, “I also know their secrets.”

Talking Points:

* What proof do you have that Christianity has a foundation in the stars?

* Why would the Church try to hide their roots in astrology?

* What proof do you have that Jesus was a Pisces?

* Have you received criticism from the church for revealing their secret?

* Why do Americans need to get back to understanding the stars?

* What do the stars predict about the government and economy?

Whether you grew up in the Church, or simply are familiar with the Bible, you may have heard astrology condemned as demonic. That is just not the case. In fact, long ago, the church was based around theories from the stars. So why would the Church take bible versus out of context, and twist the foundations of its own religion to paint the zodiac as evil?

“Money is made by your ignorance,” says Bishop Shammah Womack-El, author of the new book “The Bible Is Astrology.” Womack-El says the Christian Church has vested interest in keeping you enslaved, and keeping all the knowledge of astrology to themselves. They’ve gone as far as to paint the study of the stars, and their effects on you as demonic in order to keep you from knowledge that could empower you to lead a better, more fulfilling life. “It’s not astrology that takes away your free will,” Says Womack-El, “It’s the Church. They are trying to keep you enslaved by keeping this knowledge from you.”

Womack-El lays out convincing pieces of evidence to support his theory: From the earliest foundations of Christ (wise men following a star to find Jesus) we learn how the bible is based in the stars; Womack-El points to the 12 tribes of Israel and the 12 disciples as representing the 12 houses of the zodiac; And in a “Da Vinci Code” type photo, Womack-El shows how the Pope’s Miter (hat), turned sideways is designed to represent a fish, the symbol of the house of Pisces. Christianity, he says, is a Piscean religion, and Jesus himself was born under that sign.

Secret versus hidden in the bible, interpreted and re-interpreted incorrectly have kept us in the dark for thousands of years, he says. Bishop Womack-El dissects the same sections of the bible used to condemn astrology – to show how those same phrases actually praise the study of the stars.

Astrology is far from evil, it is a cornerstone of the bible. A gift from God meant to help guide your life to the most fulfilling relationships, the fattest wallet, and the most rewarding relationship with the Lord.

“There are things you should know about yourself that are heralded in the stars,” says Womack-El, “Because the heavens declare the glory of God.”

About Bishop Shammah Womack-El

Bishop Shammah Womack-El is a former Pentecostal Church leader, now the presiding Prelate of the large independent ministry of the Temple of Radiant Light in Bloomfield, New Jersey. He is the author of 19 books, “The Bible Is Astrology” being the latest. Dr. Womack-El is a private consultant to high-profile organizations and youth groups and is in high demand as a conference speaker. Womack-El is also a Naturopathic Holistic Scientist and a master Herbalist.

They're selling crazy by the handful over at BishopWomack.com.

"Not Quite A Planet And Not Quite Steam..."

It's official, as of this past week. Pluto, once heralded as a planet, then derogatorily referred to officially in the scientific community as a "dwarf planet," has now been unceremoniously stripped of that title and has had it replaced by the unimpressive designation of "plutoid." The International Astronomical Committee on Small Body Nomenclature (no, that's not a fake organization, and yes, we wish we had made it up) made the call on June 11, sentencing school districts worldwide to millions of dollars in science textbook replacement penalties.

Fortunately, Pluto still gets to keep the label of "celestial being," a phrase that works pretty well as a pickup line until the girl you use it on realizes you're calling her a plutoid.

This Is Exactly How It Happened

On June 17, 1775:

Etymology 101: A Free Public Service From The Friendly Folks At Apoloblogology

Kite

Unsurprisingly, this word originally referred to a bird, and was sort of onomatopoeic, as determined by people that thought the variety of hawk in question kept yelling "kite!" over and over again in its one-word vocabulary. This puts the hawk in the category of other members of the animal kingdom who are named after the sounds they make, such as the Moo and the Poison-Arrow Frog.

The first instance of the word being applied to the flying children's toy is in 1665, because of its way of hovering in the air like a bird. And of course, if someone tells you to "go fly a kite," and they don't seem to mean it in a nice way, they're probably referring to the fact that the original bird after which the kite was named is a scavenger and eater of garbage, a repast that they encourage you yourself to indulge in rather than continuing to annoy them.

This Day In History

On June 15, 1792, Benjamin Franklin proved that lightning is electricity by flying a kite in a thunderstorm. This is one of the many experiments of Benjamin Franklin that mothers often discourage their children from imitating. The others include trial and error with the flexible urinary catheter, joining up with the Freemasons, and being overly flirtatious in France.

Upon The Feast Of St. Barnabas

Son of encouragement, ora pro nobis!

Upon The Feast Of St. Charles Lwanga And Companions

Martyrs of Uganda, pray for the faith where it is danger and for Christians who must suffer because of their faith. Give them the same courage, zeal, and joy you showed. And help those of us who live in places where Christianity is accepted to remain aware of the persecution in other parts of the world. Amen

Bo Diddley, 1928-2008

Faith. Pope. Change.

I know I'm late picking this up, but I think it's great.
























Minor movement of the mitre to Fish in a Barrel.

Why Joe Schriner Still Holds A Special Place In My Heart

Hey, buddy! That's a foul, and you know it!

Joe is for the people first, and the planets waaay after that. I'm sure that he would make it a priority to fix the space station toilet, but not to fix the arm of the Mars rover, as evidenced by his commentary below:

We are spending billions of dollars looking at potential water sources on Mars; while literally billions of people on this planet don’t have access to clean drinking water. Wouldn’t the billions of dollars be better spent on, oh I don’t know, maybe helping more with ”life” on this planet!?

Note: During Campaign 2004, I told the Wapokaneta News in Wapokaneta, Ohio (home of astronaut Neil — “One large step for mankind…” — Armstrong), that as president, I would work hard to end the Space Program.

Follow him through small town America here.

Upon The Feast Of St. Justin Martyr

"We do not consume the eucharistic bread and wine as if it were ordinary food and drink, for we have been taught that as Jesus Christ our Savior became a man of flesh and blood by the power of the Word of God, so also the food that our flesh and blood assimilates for its nourishment becomes the flesh and blood of the incarnate Jesus by the power of his own words contained in the prayer of thanksgiving."

There Are 1.1 Billion Of Us. One Of Us Is Bound To Be Crazy.

Seems like every candidate has wacko religious leaders supporting them this year. Some just happen to be vastly more entertaining than others.