Person At Basilica Tries To Give Pope Benedict A Chocolate Pistol For Christmas

Turns out his attendants rejected the gift on his behalf.

The pontiff never skips a beat.

Shock! Pope Benedict Misrepresented By Media

Proving what Chesterton said when he stated that "it is generally the man who is not ready to argue, who is ready to sneer," here are my top ten favorite sneery headlines from press outlets who cherry picked a single sentence from BXIV, divorced it from its context, and proceeded to generally mislead the general public:

1. "Pope Benedict at Christmas: Preaching bigotry disguised as compassion"- The San Francisco Chronicle

2. "Pope Benedict's Vatican Address Angers Gay Community"- ABC News (still waiting on the headline "Gay Community's Distortion Of Vatican Address Angers Pope Benedict")

3. "Protect The Planet From Gays, Pope Says"- Canberra Times

4. "The Pope's Christmas Condemnation Of Transsexuals"- Time

5. "Saving The World From Homosexuality Like Saving Rainforests: Pope"- Indian Express.

6. "Fury As The Pope Says: Save The World From Gays"- Aberdeen Press And Journal

7. "Pope Accused Of Spreading Fear About Homosexuals"- Daily Mail

8. "Pope Says Gays Could End Human Race"- First Post

9. "Pope's Latest Outburst 'Justifies' Homophobic Bullying"- Pink News.

10. "Pope Rebuked For Stoking Homophobic Sentiments"- The Scotsman.

Let's do a little experiment here. I'm going to take a HUGE journalistic risk, and print here the text of Pope Benedict XVI's address that has caused the sensational pseudojournalistic firestorm detailed above. See if you can find the following words or phrases in it: "Save the Planet," "End Human Race," "Homophobic Bullying," "Homosexual," "Gay," "Transsexual," or "Rainforest Equals Heterosexuality":

Since faith in the Creator is an essential part of the Christian Creed, the Church cannot and should not limit itself to transmitting to its faithful only the message of salvation. She has a responsibility for Creation, and it should validate this responsibility in public.

In so doing, it should defend not just the earth, water and air as gifts of Creation that belong to everyone. She should also protect man from destroying himself.

It is necessary to have something like an ecology of man, understood in the right sense. It is not outdated metaphysics when the Church speaks of the nature of the human being as man and woman, and asks that this natural order be respected.

This has to do with faith in the Creator and listening to the language of creation, which, if disregarded, would be man's self-destruction and therefore a destruction of God's work itself.

That which has come to be expressed and understood with the term 'gender' effectively results in man's self-emancipation from Creation (nature) and from the Creator. Man wants to do everything by himself and to decide always and exclusively about anything that concerns him personally. But this is to live against truth, to live against the Spirit Creator.

The tropical rain forests deserve our protection, yes, but man does not deserve it less as a Creature of the Spirit himself, in whom is inscribed a message that does not mean a contradiction of human freedom but its condition.

The great theologians of Scholasticism described matrimony - which is the lifelong bond between a man and a woman - as a sacrament of Creation, that the Creator himself instituted, and that Christ, without changing the message of Creation, welcomed in the story of his alliance with men.

Part of the announcement that the Church should bring to men is a testimonial for the Spirit Creator present in all of nature, but specially in the nature of man, who was created in the image of God.

One must reread the encyclical Humanae vitae with this perspective: the intention of Pope Paul VI was to defend love against consumer sex, the future against the exclusive claim of the moment, and human nature against manipulation.

From reading the articles linked above, you'd think that the Holy Father had just off the top of his head said, "Merry Christmas! And by the way, all you gay people are going to Hell." In none of the articles linked above will you find a single reasoned response to the metaphysical and ontological arguments presented in the Pope's address. All you will find is foamy-mouthed crotch-liberation theology. Is there such a thing as the ideal setting for sexuality as created by God? It's awful hard to deny. And it's not homophobic to say so.

Upon The Feast Of St. Zeno Of Nicomedia

Here's one you've probably never heard of...

Made some snide comments about the Emperor Diocletian during a farcical pagan ritual. Had his jaw knocked off. Man, can I relate.

Conspiracy Theory Belly Laugh Of The Day

Got this little piece of awesomeness from David Hartline's blog. As someone who enthusiastically collects anti-Catholic propaganda, this has to be one of the awesomest accusations I have ever seen from Reformation.org (I'm printing the highlights below):

Russian Patriarch Alexy II—the Pope of the Russian Orthodox Church—died suddenly of poisoning on November 5, 2008...

Patriarch Alexy II was the Pope of the Greek church, and his position was equivalent to that of the Pope of the Latin church...

Memorial services for the poisoned Patriarch were held at Christ the Saviour Cathedral in Moscow on December 9, 2008...

Obviously Te Deum's (sic) are being sung and there is great rejoicing at the Vatican over the downfall of the leader of their millenarian enemy—the Russian Orthodox church...

Both the Black Pope (my note: the Superior General of the Jesuits) and White Pope (my note: B16) were ALARMED by the resurgence of the Russian Orthodox church after 70 years of communism...

Obviously there is not enough room in the world for 3 Popes!!

The Russian Pope also had a beard which made him look more like St. Peter than the other 2 Popes!!(emphasis mine)

President-elect Obama's mentor and guru is Polish born Zbigniew Brzezinski.

Brzezinski was the éminence grise behind the Papacy of Pope John Paul II and is an extreme Russophobe and hater of all things Russian.

An Obama Presidency will mean only one thing: WAR WITH RUSSIA!!

That's right, kids. If you look more like St. Peter than he does, Pope Benedict will KILL you.

This conspiracy theory involving the Catholic and Orthodox Churches may be my new favorite, toppling the one about how the Vatican invented Communism to take out the Russian Church.

By the way, let me point out that as a mindless automaton of the Pope, I am never offended by these things. They always seem to bring a little spark of hilarity to my day.

Say An Extra Prayer For The Holy Father

People with way too much time on their hands and bizarre rugby superstitions have determined that Pope Benedict XVI stands a 45% chance of dying by the end of 2008. Their reason for positing this prediction?

Since 1883 eight Pontiffs have died - five in Grand Slam years. Three deaths happened when Wales completed the sweep, and two others when Wales won the tournament but not the Grand Slam.

Interestingly, although the deaths did not always coincide with a Welsh Grand Slam win they did correspond with a victory of a predominantly Protestant nation - England, Scotland or Wales - rather than a Roman Catholic one such as France, Ireland, or Italy.

Dr Gareth Payne and colleagues said their findings suggest a link between the success of the Welsh rugby union team and papal deaths, so the Vatican medical staff "cannot fully relax until the new year arrives."

Dr Payne, of University Hospital Wales, Cardiff, said: "In recent times, an intriguing urban legend has arisen in Wales: 'every time Wales win the rugby grand slam, a Pope dies, except for 1978 when Wales were really good, and two Popes died.'

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

I Predict 2009

Over at Creative Minority Report, fantastical and potentially accurate predictions have been flying like drunken finches as to what may or may not transpire in the coming calendar year. As they have done so many times before, they've once again inspired me. Hence, without further ado, here are a few of my predictions as to what will happen in 2009:

1. Barack Obama won't get busted over this Blagojevich nonsense. But Rahm Emanuel is dead meat.

2. The guy that is trying to clone and give life to a wooly mammoth and a sabretooth tiger will finally do so. And they will kill him.

3. There will still be a relatively significant number of cars driving around with "Kerry/Edwards" and "1/21/2009" bumper stickers long past the inauguration of Barack Obama.

4. We will once again not go to the moon.

5. Madonna will be even scarier looking.

6. China will purchase the United States at well below market value.

7. Public indignation at pedophiles will rise. Also, childrens' clothing will become more skanky.

8. Bill Clinton will die. Mysteriously.

9. Hollywood political pretenderhood will reach new heights of ridiculousness. Musical or theatrical talent will increasingly be culturally percieved as superior to a degree in political science.

10. The sins of the Bush administration will be naively overcorrected by the institution of full-on socialism.

Feel free to add your own predictions in the combox below...

Celebrate Gaudete Sunday With Me In Person

I'm playing (along with My Brother The Percussionist) at Molly Malone's (Covington, KY) tonight (Sunday 12/14) at 7PM along with many other bands to celebrate the season musically. Expect a hearty blend of wryness, gore, satire, multiculturalism, and catechesis. $5 admission; we'll be rocking holes through the third floor. If you come later than 7, you'll get slightly less than your money's worth.

Upon The Feast Of Our Lady Of Guadalupe

It's all just a big imperialistic hoax because....???

Avery Dulles, 8/24/18-12/12/18

I once had a professor who claimed that Dulles would spend half his Purgatory burning off the fact that he coined the phrase "Institutional Church." It is my solemn prayer that in such a time-immune place, that holy work is done by now.

Reqiescat in Pace.

Upon The Feast Of St. Nicholas

Reaffirming that heresy is really the only thing in this world worth getting in a good fist fight over.

Be sure to disinfect whatever edible things he puts in your shoe.

We Are Playing...

Tonight at the Speckled Bird in Norwood, OH. It's at the corner of Carter and Mills Streets. Expect an array of Advent and non-Advent tunes, some historical background on Nicholas of Myra and Judas Maccabeus, at least one song in a foreign language, and perhaps a musical tribute to the demise of the Bratz induztry.

8 pm. 1766 Mills Ave, Norwood OH 45212 . I'll bring an extra boot for sneaky gift givers to slip an orange in when I'm not looking.

You'll Think You've Died And Gone To Heaven. Or Perhaps The Final Frontier.

Reader Gail F. passes along the following link to cremation urns and caskets that thematically reflect a love of Star Trek while the deceased was alive on this earth. If you want those present at your burial to think that you're more likely to share an eternity with Klingons rather than the King of Kings, then by all means, start saving up. Debuts in 2009.

Bratz? Ratz!

In one of the most devastating blows to the pedophilia industry since people started paying attention to Thailand, a federal judge has ordered that the makers of "Bratz" dolls must cease production of their promiscuity-promoting dolls aimed at elementary school girls:

El Segundo-based Mattel (MAT) has seen sales of Barbie — once a rite of passage for American girls — slide since the doe-eyed Bratz dolls first came on the scene. Domestic sales of Barbie were down 15% in 2007.

The decision was a stunning defeat for MGA, which exploded onto the tween scene in 2001 with the edgy, urban-influenced dolls and made hundreds of millions in profits, giving Mattel's doll diva Barbie a run for her money.

The ruling, filed Wednesday in federal court in Riverside, followed a jury's finding that Bratz doll designer Carter Bryant developed the concept for the Bratz dolls while working for Mattel.

The same jury later awarded Mattel $10 million for copyright infringement and $90 million for breach of contract after a lengthy trial stemming from Mattel's 2004 lawsuit ended in August.

Granted, it was for a different kind of immorality that the "Bratz" brains got busted, but we'll take it where we can get it. And while Barbie is herself a fairly disgusting blot on the morality of American toymaking, at least she's over 18, and so is Ken. Skipper is another matter.

Here's to the possibility of a culture that doesn't force 13-year olds to look seductive while demonizing the 21 year olds who fall for it!

Toss of the tiara to Marybeth Hicks.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Dr. Harold Katz

Yes, friends, this is real. Oh, the joys of producing.

Don’t Eat That Garlic Bread, Hillary!

Tips to Keep Our New Top Diplomat Halitosis-Free

With Sen. Hillary Clinton poised to accept her new job as U.S. Secretary of State – effectively making her the nation’s top diplomat – it seems that her relationships with foreign leaders would be of paramount importance. But Dr. Harold Katz, Dentist to the Stars, is more worried about her turning off potential allies with bad breath.

“When people talk a lot for their job, it increases their exposure to the bacteria that causes bad breath,” Katz said. “Moreover, the Secretary of State visits foreign countries and eats the local fare, and much or the cuisine in the far east and in Europe are well-known for their halitosis-causing properties.”

Dr. Katz advises the former First Lady to do the following to avoid embarrassing breath-related faux-pas:

·No onions or garlic! That means no FRENCH onion soup or spicy KOREAN kimchee. Onions and garlic contain odorous sulfur compounds, similar to the Volatile Sulfur Compounds produced by anaerobic bacteria breeding beneath the surface of your tongue, throat and tonsils.

·Watch out for dairy foods! No SWISS cheese! Blintzes are OK, but NO Sour Cream. Dairy foods contain dense proteins that are used by the sulfur-producing bacteria to create odors such as Hydrogen sulfide (the rotten egg smell), Cadaverine, and Putrescine – no need to describe what those chemicals smell like.

·Cut down on your coffee. It doesn’t matter if it’s TURKISH coffee or ITALIAN roast coffee, COLOMBIAN or JAVA - Coffee stimulates the bad breath bacteria to produce more odors because coffee is very acidic. Do what the BRITS do, drink tea! Tea is actually good for your breath.

·Avoid the Booze – No Alcohol for you. That’s right, stay away from SCOTCH, IRISH coffee. Alcohol makes the mouth dry and that creates an environment that mimics 24 hour morning breath. Saliva is nature’s way of keeping your breath fresh (think baby’s breath). The less saliva you have, the worse your breath gets. By the way, Hill – There is MORE alcohol in the leading mouthwash formulas than an entire 6 pack of BECK’S, SAPPORO, TSINGTAO, etc. So, if you’re choosing between a medicine burning mouthwash or a bottle of MOLSON’S, go for the brewski – but sip some water immediately afterwards to dilute the effect of the alcohol.

·Stay away from sugar. Sugar feeds all types of bacteria, including the bad breath bugs, so if you want to chew some candy, avoid SWEDISH FISH and look for sugarless mints, such as ZOX (they contain ZINC, OXYGEN, and XYLITOL) to fight bad breath and dry mouth or sugarless gum like TheraBreath gum, which contains oxygenating compounds. Find them both at www.therabreath.com.

·If you’re HUNGRY (HUNGARY) it’s OK to have some carbs. Carbs won’t give you bad breath. So when in DENMARK, look for a DANISH. If you’re in CAMEROON, ask for a MACAROON.

·There are also a few proteins that are OK. If you’re looking for a SANDWICH (Sandwich Islands) order TURKEY, TOGO.

·Best advice: Look for oxygenating oral products, such as TheraBreath or PerioTherapy. They are all natural formulas that attack BOTH bacterial bad breath AND stinky food bad breath. Hillary can find them anywhere in the world by going to www.therabreath.com.

And, if Hillary comes across a prime minister or foreign diplomat with Halitosis – and she can’t find the strength to tell them about their bad breath, she doesn’t need to worry. Dr. Harold Katz will do it for her through his online “tell a friend” program. Just click on: http://www.therabreath.com/tellafriend.asp. Dr. Katz takes care of the rest – and the best part, It’s anonymous. Bill and Obama will never know that Hillary contacted Dr. Katz.

If you get an email from Dr. Katz telling you that you have bad breath, you didn't get it from me.

Upon The Feast Of St. John Damascene

"The saints must be honored as friends of Christ and children and heirs of God, as John the theologian and evangelist says: 'But as many as received him, he gave them the power to be made the sons of God....' Let us carefully observe the manner of life of all the apostles, martyrs, ascetics and just men who announced the coming of the Lord. And let us emulate their faith, charity, hope, zeal, life, patience under suffering, and perseverance unto death, so that we may also share their crowns of glory."

Patron against iconoclasm, ora pro nobis!

Things That Make John Wycliffe Look Harmless: The Thomas Kinkade Bible

A beautiful one-of-a-kind keepsake version of the Scriptures accented by the works of the Painter of Light himself. Feast your eyes on the soothing color palettes of Kinkade's rendition of "Herod's Massacre of the Innocents," try and find the hidden names of his children in "The Rape of Tamar," and marvel at the softened edges and nostalgic stillness of "Samson Kills A Thousand Philistines With The Jawbone Of An Ass." Available everywhere fine books are sold!