Upon The Solemnity Of The Annunciation

Normally takes place on March 25. Do the math.

Etymology 101: A Free Public Service From The Friendly Folks At Apoloblogology

Hunky-dory

The mere sound of these syllables in swift succession is playful and palatable, rolling off the tongue like a friendly sputtering jalopy with cartoon eyes where its headlights should be. To be in a "hunky-dory" state is to be in positive circumstances, as American sailors considered themselves to be when on shore leave in Yokohama, Japan, on Huncho-dori, the main drag where all the liesurely (and perhaps disreputable) activities could be found. Next time you go to utter the expression, use the Japanese pronunciation; and if anyone tries to correct you, accuse them of being inauthentic.

Upon The Feast Of The Divine Mercy

Happy Easter 8th, readership.

Election Season

Many thanks to whichever the heck one of you nominated me in the category of "Snarkiest Catholic Blog" for the 2008 Cannonball Catholic Blog Awards. I think the voting begins sometime this week, so be sure to show exactly how deserving of this distinction you find our humble staff to be by registering your approval at the polls.

A side note- I hate to grovel, but we're a little disappointed we're not currently among the nominees in the "Best Bat Shit Crazy Blog" category, so if the deadline has yet to pass, we'd appreciate it if someone would head over to Cannonball Catholic and say the words for us that we are afraid to say for ourselves.

IOC To China: Keep It Live, Yo

The International Olympic Committee, in what appears to be an attempt to keep Big Brother's Beijing Bureau honest, is lobbying that the broadcast of the torch lighting ceremony and other various Olympic events be transmitted live, regardless of whatever peasant-beating protests may be impending. French president Nicholas Sarkozy, in a surprising display of backbone, has been suggesting using his influence with the European Union to coordinate a boycott of the games. We'll see how all that works out.

Here in the states, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (who years ago traded her soul and used the rebate money to purchase a rather unconvincing plastic smile) had the following input to offer about a potential U.S. boycott of the Olympics:

"I believe a boycott of the Beijing Olympics would unfairly harm our athletes who have worked so hard to prepare for the competition."

That's right. we wouldn't want anyone to be unfairly harmed here. Let the peasant beatings recommence!

Upon The Feast Of St. Guntramnus

Patron of divorcees and murderers. Some saints were real scoundrels.

Fixing Social Security One Senior At A Time

Creative Minority Report has won the bid to do all the bumper stickers and pins for Dr. Jack Kevorkian's congressional bid. Amusing, to say the least.

Former Bandmate JacobDL Has Unearthed A Gem

Thank you, kind young sir.

New Heresies Defined

Adam's Ale has a rather amusing list of new heresies he'd like to see defined, including one that I've seen being embraced, but to my knowledge, had yet to be given a name:

DONUTISM – (Not to be confused with old heresy known as Donatism) Donutism is the propensity for some Catholics to leave their parish and join a denomination based on the quality of the donuts and coffee that is served before, after, and during Sunday services.

In that spirit, we figured we'd define a new heresy of our own:

Oprahism: A spiritual corruption that focuses on subjects, but not objects. The subject is clearly always the non-specific individual, the action suggested to that individual usually implies a vague movement from a low-to-high state of spiritual or material attainment, and concrete instruction as to how to reach that state is usually omitted and replaced by clapping for those who have somehow ascended. For instance, girlfriends are often encouraged to "go ahead," without any indication as to which way is ahead, or necessarily how to get there. Ophrahites really like Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra, and, because of the blurriness of their spiritual vision, are prone to thinking that Jesus and Buddha are basically the same dude.

Feel free to add whatever heresy you think needs defining to the list, and maybe you, like St. Nicholas, can digitally sock a modern error in its heretical nose.

Celebrating The 1st Anniversary Of "That's No Moon, That's A Space Ovum!" and "An Egg, Lidless, Wreathed In Flame"

M. Swaim, Holy Saturday, 2007.

Upon Easter Sunday

"Why do you seek the living among the dead?"

Upon Good Friday

Lord Jesus, how many ages have You hung upon Your cross, and still I pass You by and regard You not, except to pierce anew Your Sacred Heart? How often have I passed You by, heedless of Your great sorrow, Your many wounds, Your infinite Love? How often have I stood before You, not to comfort and console You, but to add to Your sorrows, to deepen Your wounds, to scorn Your Love? You have stretched forth Your hands to comfort me, to raise me up, and I have taken those hands that might have struck me into hell, and bent them back on the cross, and nailed them there, rigid and helpless. Yet, I have but succeeded in engraving my name on Your palms forever. You have loved me with an infinite Love, and I have taken advantage of that Love to sin the more against You. Yet, my ingratitude has but pierced Your Sacred Heart, and upon me has flowed Your Precious Blood. Lord Jesus, let Your blood be upon me, not for a curse, but for a blessing.

Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on me.
Amen.

Upon Holy Thursday

Feet: Washed.
Priesthood and Eucharist: Instituted.
Messiah: Betrayed.

Combox Comment Of The Delta T

From loving husband, father, and former roommate "D" (yes, that's his real name) regarding our Bracketology post:

Really what you're saying is that Baylor is predestined to upset Xavier and Duke. However, I believe that Duke has the freedom and ability to will themselves a win past both.

Bracketology 101: Magisterial Fidelity Edition

"Quit fooling around, Lord! Toss me the rock!"

In the spirit of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who once described an atheist as someone "who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins," we here at the staff of Apoloblogology have decided to revisit the spirit of the Thirty Years' War and present to you "Bracketology 101: Magisterial Fidelity Edition."

This is a methodology of bracket selection that my wife has employed for years, and works especially well for those who want to take part in office pools but don't have much interest in things like winning. The criteria go as follows:

1. In games between religious schools and nonreligious schools, the religious school is picked.

2. In games between Christian schools and schools with other religious affiliations, the Christian school is picked.

3. In games between Catholic schools and protestant schools, the Catholic school is picked.

4. In games between Catholic schools, the one with the highest degree of fidelity to the Magisterium is picked.

The rules are simple, and produce interesting results. I've taken the liberty of walking you through some of the more epic battles likely to take place when this method of bracket selection is applied. I've also taken liberty with the rules stated above, as a nod to those Magisterially unfaithful Catholic universities who love it when liberty gets taken with rules:

Midwest Region, Round 2: Gonzaga vs. Georgetown

We personally find it very difficult to determine degrees of Magisterial fidelity between Jesuit schools. In the end, Fr Peter Phan's antics prove fatal to his Hoyas on the court. Gonzaga wins.

West Region, Round 2: Xavier vs. Baylor

Here's a tricky one. True, Xavier's a Catholic school, and as a rule, should win this one. On the other hand, Baylor has Francis Beckwith, Michael Foley, and Tom Breen, and to our knowledge doesn't employ anyone from the Jesus Seminar. Baylor pulls the upset.

West Region, Round 2: Drake vs. San Diego

The religiously supercharged West Region also features this early battle between the relatively recently founded Catholic University of San Diego and the Drake Bulldogs. While Drake was founded by the Disciples of Christ, they currently claim no religious affiliation. San Diego in a landslide.

South Region, Round 3: St Mary's (California) vs. Marquette

To be honest, we plain old don't know very much about Christian Brothers-founded St Mary's, but I'd take the Vegas odds that they're in better standing with the Church than Marquette. St Mary's of California to the Elite Eight!

West Region, Round 3: BYU vs. San Diego

Brigham who? San Diego rises, triumphant.

West Region, Round 3: Baylor vs. Duke

I'm aware that Baylor's traditionally Calvinist, and that Duke is traditionally from the Wesleyan-Arminian tradition. However, following a tradition that supercedes this method of bracketology, I refuse under any circumstances to pick Duke past the second round. Baylor, in another upset.

East Region, Round 3: Mount St Mary's vs. Notre Dame

While it seems somewhat untoward to pit Our Lady against her mountain, these are the sorts of things that happen in the world of intercampus athletics. Following rule #4 as stated above, we think it's obvious which school is producing more vocations to the priesthood. Mount St Mary's wins the day.

West Region, Round 4: Baylor vs. San Diego

In general, Baptist higher education is more (unknowingly) faithful to the Pope than Catholic higher education. San Diego being a relatively unknown quantity as far as this analyst is concerned, I'll cut them some slack against the Mormons, but not against the Calvinists. Baylor to the Final Four!

South Region, Round 4: Oral Roberts vs. St Mary's (California)

Is anyone else disappointed that Oral Roberts' mascot isn't a 900 foot tall Jesus? St. Mary's of California to the Final Four!

Midwest Region, Round 4: Gonzaga vs. Siena

I hear decent things about Gonzaga. I hear no things about Siena. Gonzaga to the Final Four!

East Region, Round 4: Mount St Mary's vs. St Joseph

Pitting the Holy Family against itself? Absurd! I'm fairly certain the real St. Joseph would defer. Mount St. Mary's to the Final Four!

Final Four Matchup: Baylor vs. St Mary's (California)

I've made enough exceptions for Baylor so far. Why not make another? Baylor in the National Championship!

Final Four Matchup: Mount St. Mary's vs Gonzaga

I've met many impressive people from Mount St. Mary's. On second thought, those good things I heard said about Gonzaga were hearsay. Mount St. Mary's in the National Championship!

Championship Game: Baylor vs. Mount St. Mary's

Enough exceptions, Baylor. Mount St Mary's, the #65 seed play-in candidate, is the Cinderella story of the millenium.

Upon Palm Sunday Of The Lord's Passion

Save those palms for next year's ashes...

List Of Awesome: Stephen Colbert- "So.. There Might Not Be No God But Allah, And Mohammed Might Be His Prophet?"

"Next time I'll have a real Muslim on."

More satirical jabs at pluralism from the master of the pluralistic satirical jab. The last thirty seconds make the first four minutes worthwhile.

Upon The Solemnity Of St. Joseph (Observed)

LITANY TO ST. JOSEPH

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Christ, hear us.
Christ, graciously hear us.
God, the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us.
God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us..
Holy Mary, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
Renowned offspring of David, pray for us.
Light of Patriarchs, pray for us.
Spouse of the Mother of God, pray for us.
Chaste guardian of the Virgin, pray for us.
Foster father of the Son of God, pray for us.
Diligent protector of Christ, pray for us.
Head of the Holy Family, pray for us.
Joseph most just, pray for us.
Joseph most chaste, pray for us.
Joseph most prudent, pray for us.
Joseph most strong, pray for us.
Joseph most obedient, pray for us.
Joseph most faithful, pray for us.
Mirror of patience, pray for us.
Lover of poverty, pray for us.
Model of artisans, pray for us.
Glory of home life, pray for us.
Guardian of virgins, pray for us.
Pillar of families, pray for us.
Solace of the wretched, pray for us.
Hope of the sick, pray for us.
Patron of the dying, pray for us.
Terror of demons, pray for us.
Protector of Holy Church, pray for us.
Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord!.
Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord!.
Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. .

V. He made him the lord of his household.
R. And prince over all his possessions.

Let us pray. O God, in your ineffable providence you were pleased to
choose Blessed Joseph to be the spouse of your most holy Mother;
grant, we beg you, that we may be worthy to have him for our
intercessor in heaven whom on earth we venerate as our Protector:
You who live and reign forever and ever.

R. Amen.

Joel Osteen Vs Barack Obama, Round 3: Bill And Ted Edition

The quote:

"We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent."

Osteen: 65%

Obama: 35%

Correct answer: Obama!

I'll have to admit, had I not seen it in its original attributed form, I might have had trouble with this one myself. There's a new poll available; I'll keep them coming until Obama secures his position as Democratic presidential nominee and inevitable future ruler of galaxies. In the meantime, lock in your vote, and "be excellent to one another."

What The Vatican's New Seven Deadly Sins Are... And What They're Not

File under: The Wonder That Is (British (Lack Of)) Religion?

At the prompting of the inimitable Jimmy Richter, my comrade in (sleeve tattooed) arms, I have decided to weigh in on this provocative subject. Please bear with my fumbling analysis.

Much has been made of a Vatican pronouncement of seven new deadly sins, which, after reading the sources, was neither a pronouncement, nor an enumeration of seven sins. You gotta love British journalism. It makes real news into tabloids, and tabloids into real news.

That being said, it's not a bad thing at all to discuss the things mentioned in L'Osservatorio Romano as deadly sins. Nor is there any sense in which the things wrongly cast as a "replacement list" are anything new, especially to anyone who has been paying attention to what's been coming out of Rome for decades. As such, we have decided to set down to explain what each of the British media's interpretations of the new "seven deadly sins" are, and what they are not.

Sin #1: Thou Shalt Not Engage in "Morally Dubious" Experimentation

What it is not: A prohibition of all stem cell research. As some who are paying attention have noticed, the Vatican is extremely in favor of stem cell research. What the Vatican is against is creating test-tube babies for the sole purpose of killing them and harvesting their parts in order to treat Michael J. Fox.

What it is: A stern warning to those who would do anything that Dr. Ian Malcolm would see as being really, really bad, especially when it comes to human-animal hybrids, and the exultation of discovery over ethics.

Sin #2: Thou Shalt Not Engage In Bioethical Violations

What it is not: A backward and reactionary knee-jerk response to anyone who wants to make medical and reproductive advances in our culture.

What it is: An upbraiding of the Western ideal that we should screw anything and everything that will hold still, and some things that won't, whether by coercion or free will.

Sin #3: Thou Shalt Not Abuse Drugs

What it is not: A Scientologist's guide to mental illness.

What it is: Seriously, if someone has to explain to you what constitutes drug abuse, you're probably on drugs.

Sin #4: Thou Shalt Not Pollute The Environment

What it is not: An assurance that you will go to hell if you drive an SUV or don't recycle.

What it is: A reminder that a correct environmentalism has to have the dignity of human life at its center, as opposed to having a hatred of human life at its center. Whenever we pollute water sources or waste food, we should realize the effect that it has on the poor nations and peoples of this earth, rather than thinking about how those poor people should freaking stop procreating so us Westerners can continue to drive SUV's and throw our Wendy's bags out the window.

Sin #5: Thou Shalt Not Contribute To Making Others Poor:

What it is not: An admonition to stop working hard so as to succeed in this world.

What it is: A slap in the face to the oil industry (Western and Arabic alike), the CEO's who fire people in Detroit and perpetuate below-minimum wage sweat shoppery in third world countries, and those of us who haven't thought hard enough about how to stop buying from China. Every penny spent is a vote ratifying the policies of the corporations from which we buy things. Is conscious consumerism such a difficult thing to ask?

Sin #6: Thou Shalt Not Store Up For Thyself Excessive Wealth:

What it is not: A commandment that applies to yours truly.

What it is: A reminder that retirement from work is not a retirement from social responsibility. You're still part of the human race, even if you think some of the rest of the human race smells sort of funny. From everyone to whom much is given, much will be required.

Sin #7: Thou Shalt Not Widen The Divide Between The Rich And The Poor:

What it is not: Does anyone feel like the disingenuous denizens of the British media really just tried to cut Sin #5 in half in order to make an even Seven?

What it is: A call to reflection for those who keep making the rich richer and the poor poorer, who rely on third world labor laws to perpetuate their daily surf and turf dinners but make sure their hourly employees never average enough hours to where the company has to provide health insurance.

We hope this brings clarity to the Vatican's updated list of Seven Deadly Sins, which was never intended to be a new list of Seven Deadly Sins in the first place.

Happy Birthday, Douglas Adams (Deceased)

Thanks to Fr. Rob Jack for the reminder on this. I hate to leave an event like this uncommemorated. As such, here are ten of my top seven hundred or so favorite Adams quotes:

1. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

2. "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

3. "He furrowed his brow until you could grow some of the smaller root vegetables in it."

4. "Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen."

5. "Los Angeles: like several thousand square miles of American Express junk mail, but without the same sense of moral depth."

6. "The history of the Galaxy has got a little muddled, for a number of reasons: partly because those who are trying to keep track of it have got a little muddled, but also because some very muddling things have been happening anyway."

7. "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

8. "This man is the bee's knees, he is the wasp's nipples. He is, I would go so far as to say, the entire set of erogenous zones of every major flying insect of the Western world."

9. "Numbers written on restaurant bills within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe."

..and my personal all-time favorite, in regards to the Babel Fish:

10. "Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument goes something like this:

'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'

'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. Q.E.D.'

'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing."

Etymology 101: A Free Public Service From The Friendly Folks At Apoloblogology

Twelve

As is the case with most Westerners, we base our numeric system on tens. That being the case, in Old English (our primary Western holdover language), the word "ten," already implied, is spoken about as though it weren't in the room. All that remains is the "two left," which, when spoken in inebriated Chaucerian tavernese, comes out as "twelve." Something analagous can be found in other language groups who use number systems based on tens, such as in Lithuanian, where the word for twelve, drylika, literally can be broken into dry- (two) -lika (left over). Consider yourselves informed.

March Madness

As the snow melts and my gardening catalogs arrive, I find myself drawn to my annual mid-March re-reading of the following Wendell Berry classic:

MANIFESTO: THE MAD FARMER'S LIBERATION FRONT

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Upon The Feast Of St. Gregory Of Nyssa

"Baptism, then, is a purification from sins, a remission of trespasses, a cause of renovation and regeneration. By regeneration, understand regeneration conceived in thought, not discerned by bodily sight... For as the child new-born is free from accusations and from penalties, so too the child of regeneration has nothing for which to answer, being released by royal bounty from accountability. And this gift it is not the water that bestows (for in that case it were a thing more exalted than all creation), but the command of God, and the visitation of the Spirit that comes sacramentally to set us free. But water serves to express the cleansing. For since we are wont by washing in water to render our body clean when it is soiled by dirt or mud, we therefore apply it also in the sacramental action, and display the spiritual brightness by that which is subject to our senses."

Donohue On Colbert On Hagee On McCain

Head to catholiccolbert.com for Catholic League president Bill Donohue's thirty most recent seconds of comedic fame (this time around, the comedy's intentional). And Stephen gets quote of the month in referring to Hagee's anti-Catholicism: "Man, I wish this guy would have been alive in 15th century Spain!"

Joel Osteen Vs. Barack Obama, Round 2

The quote was:

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress."

63% said Osteen.

37% guessed Obama.

Answer: Obama!

That's two strikes, America. Better luck this time around, for the "Bill And Ted Edition" of the Joel Osteen Vs Barack Obama Challenge!

Editor's note: a couple of incensed readers have accused me of racism, I'm assuming for my lampooning of Joel Osteen. I'm coming to experience a minority of Obamafans who seem to be under the impression that one can't criticize the man because he's black. Reminds me of the nationalists who told me I wasn't allowed to criticize Bush during a hot war. One of these days, I will figure out a way to please everyone. In the meantime, languishing for seven years in the deserts of George Bush just hasn't made me thirsty enough to drink Obama's kool-aid. I'm still voting for Joe.

Upon The Feast Of Sts Perpetua And Felicity

Saints Perpetua and Felicity, watch over all mothers and children who are separated from each other because of war or persecution. Show a special care to mothers who are imprisoned and guide them to follow your example of faith and courage. Amen.

R.I.P. Mike Huckabee, 1/29/2007-3/4/2008

A MASTER OF COMEDY HIS GENIUS IN THE ART OF HUMOUR BROUGHT GLADNESS TO THE WORLD HE LOVED

Joel Osteen Vs Barack Obama, Round I

The quote was: "To me, we're marketing hope."

46% of you selected Osteen.

54% attributed the quote to Obama.

Correct answer: Osteen!

There's a new quote above on which to vote. Register your guess now, and be eligible to win absolutely nothing!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Brett Favre Retiring From NFL

Upon The Feast Of St. Katharine Drexel

If God has called you to be a missionary, don't stoop to be a mere philanthropist.