Person At Basilica Tries To Give Pope Benedict A Chocolate Pistol For Christmas

Turns out his attendants rejected the gift on his behalf.

The pontiff never skips a beat.

Shock! Pope Benedict Misrepresented By Media

Proving what Chesterton said when he stated that "it is generally the man who is not ready to argue, who is ready to sneer," here are my top ten favorite sneery headlines from press outlets who cherry picked a single sentence from BXIV, divorced it from its context, and proceeded to generally mislead the general public:

1. "Pope Benedict at Christmas: Preaching bigotry disguised as compassion"- The San Francisco Chronicle

2. "Pope Benedict's Vatican Address Angers Gay Community"- ABC News (still waiting on the headline "Gay Community's Distortion Of Vatican Address Angers Pope Benedict")

3. "Protect The Planet From Gays, Pope Says"- Canberra Times

4. "The Pope's Christmas Condemnation Of Transsexuals"- Time

5. "Saving The World From Homosexuality Like Saving Rainforests: Pope"- Indian Express.

6. "Fury As The Pope Says: Save The World From Gays"- Aberdeen Press And Journal

7. "Pope Accused Of Spreading Fear About Homosexuals"- Daily Mail

8. "Pope Says Gays Could End Human Race"- First Post

9. "Pope's Latest Outburst 'Justifies' Homophobic Bullying"- Pink News.

10. "Pope Rebuked For Stoking Homophobic Sentiments"- The Scotsman.

Let's do a little experiment here. I'm going to take a HUGE journalistic risk, and print here the text of Pope Benedict XVI's address that has caused the sensational pseudojournalistic firestorm detailed above. See if you can find the following words or phrases in it: "Save the Planet," "End Human Race," "Homophobic Bullying," "Homosexual," "Gay," "Transsexual," or "Rainforest Equals Heterosexuality":

Since faith in the Creator is an essential part of the Christian Creed, the Church cannot and should not limit itself to transmitting to its faithful only the message of salvation. She has a responsibility for Creation, and it should validate this responsibility in public.

In so doing, it should defend not just the earth, water and air as gifts of Creation that belong to everyone. She should also protect man from destroying himself.

It is necessary to have something like an ecology of man, understood in the right sense. It is not outdated metaphysics when the Church speaks of the nature of the human being as man and woman, and asks that this natural order be respected.

This has to do with faith in the Creator and listening to the language of creation, which, if disregarded, would be man's self-destruction and therefore a destruction of God's work itself.

That which has come to be expressed and understood with the term 'gender' effectively results in man's self-emancipation from Creation (nature) and from the Creator. Man wants to do everything by himself and to decide always and exclusively about anything that concerns him personally. But this is to live against truth, to live against the Spirit Creator.

The tropical rain forests deserve our protection, yes, but man does not deserve it less as a Creature of the Spirit himself, in whom is inscribed a message that does not mean a contradiction of human freedom but its condition.

The great theologians of Scholasticism described matrimony - which is the lifelong bond between a man and a woman - as a sacrament of Creation, that the Creator himself instituted, and that Christ, without changing the message of Creation, welcomed in the story of his alliance with men.

Part of the announcement that the Church should bring to men is a testimonial for the Spirit Creator present in all of nature, but specially in the nature of man, who was created in the image of God.

One must reread the encyclical Humanae vitae with this perspective: the intention of Pope Paul VI was to defend love against consumer sex, the future against the exclusive claim of the moment, and human nature against manipulation.

From reading the articles linked above, you'd think that the Holy Father had just off the top of his head said, "Merry Christmas! And by the way, all you gay people are going to Hell." In none of the articles linked above will you find a single reasoned response to the metaphysical and ontological arguments presented in the Pope's address. All you will find is foamy-mouthed crotch-liberation theology. Is there such a thing as the ideal setting for sexuality as created by God? It's awful hard to deny. And it's not homophobic to say so.

Upon The Feast Of St. Zeno Of Nicomedia

Here's one you've probably never heard of...

Made some snide comments about the Emperor Diocletian during a farcical pagan ritual. Had his jaw knocked off. Man, can I relate.

Conspiracy Theory Belly Laugh Of The Day

Got this little piece of awesomeness from David Hartline's blog. As someone who enthusiastically collects anti-Catholic propaganda, this has to be one of the awesomest accusations I have ever seen from Reformation.org (I'm printing the highlights below):

Russian Patriarch Alexy II—the Pope of the Russian Orthodox Church—died suddenly of poisoning on November 5, 2008...

Patriarch Alexy II was the Pope of the Greek church, and his position was equivalent to that of the Pope of the Latin church...

Memorial services for the poisoned Patriarch were held at Christ the Saviour Cathedral in Moscow on December 9, 2008...

Obviously Te Deum's (sic) are being sung and there is great rejoicing at the Vatican over the downfall of the leader of their millenarian enemy—the Russian Orthodox church...

Both the Black Pope (my note: the Superior General of the Jesuits) and White Pope (my note: B16) were ALARMED by the resurgence of the Russian Orthodox church after 70 years of communism...

Obviously there is not enough room in the world for 3 Popes!!

The Russian Pope also had a beard which made him look more like St. Peter than the other 2 Popes!!(emphasis mine)

President-elect Obama's mentor and guru is Polish born Zbigniew Brzezinski.

Brzezinski was the éminence grise behind the Papacy of Pope John Paul II and is an extreme Russophobe and hater of all things Russian.

An Obama Presidency will mean only one thing: WAR WITH RUSSIA!!

That's right, kids. If you look more like St. Peter than he does, Pope Benedict will KILL you.

This conspiracy theory involving the Catholic and Orthodox Churches may be my new favorite, toppling the one about how the Vatican invented Communism to take out the Russian Church.

By the way, let me point out that as a mindless automaton of the Pope, I am never offended by these things. They always seem to bring a little spark of hilarity to my day.

Say An Extra Prayer For The Holy Father

People with way too much time on their hands and bizarre rugby superstitions have determined that Pope Benedict XVI stands a 45% chance of dying by the end of 2008. Their reason for positing this prediction?

Since 1883 eight Pontiffs have died - five in Grand Slam years. Three deaths happened when Wales completed the sweep, and two others when Wales won the tournament but not the Grand Slam.

Interestingly, although the deaths did not always coincide with a Welsh Grand Slam win they did correspond with a victory of a predominantly Protestant nation - England, Scotland or Wales - rather than a Roman Catholic one such as France, Ireland, or Italy.

Dr Gareth Payne and colleagues said their findings suggest a link between the success of the Welsh rugby union team and papal deaths, so the Vatican medical staff "cannot fully relax until the new year arrives."

Dr Payne, of University Hospital Wales, Cardiff, said: "In recent times, an intriguing urban legend has arisen in Wales: 'every time Wales win the rugby grand slam, a Pope dies, except for 1978 when Wales were really good, and two Popes died.'

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

I Predict 2009

Over at Creative Minority Report, fantastical and potentially accurate predictions have been flying like drunken finches as to what may or may not transpire in the coming calendar year. As they have done so many times before, they've once again inspired me. Hence, without further ado, here are a few of my predictions as to what will happen in 2009:

1. Barack Obama won't get busted over this Blagojevich nonsense. But Rahm Emanuel is dead meat.

2. The guy that is trying to clone and give life to a wooly mammoth and a sabretooth tiger will finally do so. And they will kill him.

3. There will still be a relatively significant number of cars driving around with "Kerry/Edwards" and "1/21/2009" bumper stickers long past the inauguration of Barack Obama.

4. We will once again not go to the moon.

5. Madonna will be even scarier looking.

6. China will purchase the United States at well below market value.

7. Public indignation at pedophiles will rise. Also, childrens' clothing will become more skanky.

8. Bill Clinton will die. Mysteriously.

9. Hollywood political pretenderhood will reach new heights of ridiculousness. Musical or theatrical talent will increasingly be culturally percieved as superior to a degree in political science.

10. The sins of the Bush administration will be naively overcorrected by the institution of full-on socialism.

Feel free to add your own predictions in the combox below...

Celebrate Gaudete Sunday With Me In Person

I'm playing (along with My Brother The Percussionist) at Molly Malone's (Covington, KY) tonight (Sunday 12/14) at 7PM along with many other bands to celebrate the season musically. Expect a hearty blend of wryness, gore, satire, multiculturalism, and catechesis. $5 admission; we'll be rocking holes through the third floor. If you come later than 7, you'll get slightly less than your money's worth.

Upon The Feast Of Our Lady Of Guadalupe

It's all just a big imperialistic hoax because....???

Avery Dulles, 8/24/18-12/12/18

I once had a professor who claimed that Dulles would spend half his Purgatory burning off the fact that he coined the phrase "Institutional Church." It is my solemn prayer that in such a time-immune place, that holy work is done by now.

Reqiescat in Pace.

Upon The Feast Of St. Nicholas

Reaffirming that heresy is really the only thing in this world worth getting in a good fist fight over.

Be sure to disinfect whatever edible things he puts in your shoe.

We Are Playing...

Tonight at the Speckled Bird in Norwood, OH. It's at the corner of Carter and Mills Streets. Expect an array of Advent and non-Advent tunes, some historical background on Nicholas of Myra and Judas Maccabeus, at least one song in a foreign language, and perhaps a musical tribute to the demise of the Bratz induztry.

8 pm. 1766 Mills Ave, Norwood OH 45212 . I'll bring an extra boot for sneaky gift givers to slip an orange in when I'm not looking.

You'll Think You've Died And Gone To Heaven. Or Perhaps The Final Frontier.

Reader Gail F. passes along the following link to cremation urns and caskets that thematically reflect a love of Star Trek while the deceased was alive on this earth. If you want those present at your burial to think that you're more likely to share an eternity with Klingons rather than the King of Kings, then by all means, start saving up. Debuts in 2009.

Bratz? Ratz!

In one of the most devastating blows to the pedophilia industry since people started paying attention to Thailand, a federal judge has ordered that the makers of "Bratz" dolls must cease production of their promiscuity-promoting dolls aimed at elementary school girls:

El Segundo-based Mattel (MAT) has seen sales of Barbie — once a rite of passage for American girls — slide since the doe-eyed Bratz dolls first came on the scene. Domestic sales of Barbie were down 15% in 2007.

The decision was a stunning defeat for MGA, which exploded onto the tween scene in 2001 with the edgy, urban-influenced dolls and made hundreds of millions in profits, giving Mattel's doll diva Barbie a run for her money.

The ruling, filed Wednesday in federal court in Riverside, followed a jury's finding that Bratz doll designer Carter Bryant developed the concept for the Bratz dolls while working for Mattel.

The same jury later awarded Mattel $10 million for copyright infringement and $90 million for breach of contract after a lengthy trial stemming from Mattel's 2004 lawsuit ended in August.

Granted, it was for a different kind of immorality that the "Bratz" brains got busted, but we'll take it where we can get it. And while Barbie is herself a fairly disgusting blot on the morality of American toymaking, at least she's over 18, and so is Ken. Skipper is another matter.

Here's to the possibility of a culture that doesn't force 13-year olds to look seductive while demonizing the 21 year olds who fall for it!

Toss of the tiara to Marybeth Hicks.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Dr. Harold Katz

Yes, friends, this is real. Oh, the joys of producing.

Don’t Eat That Garlic Bread, Hillary!

Tips to Keep Our New Top Diplomat Halitosis-Free

With Sen. Hillary Clinton poised to accept her new job as U.S. Secretary of State – effectively making her the nation’s top diplomat – it seems that her relationships with foreign leaders would be of paramount importance. But Dr. Harold Katz, Dentist to the Stars, is more worried about her turning off potential allies with bad breath.

“When people talk a lot for their job, it increases their exposure to the bacteria that causes bad breath,” Katz said. “Moreover, the Secretary of State visits foreign countries and eats the local fare, and much or the cuisine in the far east and in Europe are well-known for their halitosis-causing properties.”

Dr. Katz advises the former First Lady to do the following to avoid embarrassing breath-related faux-pas:

·No onions or garlic! That means no FRENCH onion soup or spicy KOREAN kimchee. Onions and garlic contain odorous sulfur compounds, similar to the Volatile Sulfur Compounds produced by anaerobic bacteria breeding beneath the surface of your tongue, throat and tonsils.

·Watch out for dairy foods! No SWISS cheese! Blintzes are OK, but NO Sour Cream. Dairy foods contain dense proteins that are used by the sulfur-producing bacteria to create odors such as Hydrogen sulfide (the rotten egg smell), Cadaverine, and Putrescine – no need to describe what those chemicals smell like.

·Cut down on your coffee. It doesn’t matter if it’s TURKISH coffee or ITALIAN roast coffee, COLOMBIAN or JAVA - Coffee stimulates the bad breath bacteria to produce more odors because coffee is very acidic. Do what the BRITS do, drink tea! Tea is actually good for your breath.

·Avoid the Booze – No Alcohol for you. That’s right, stay away from SCOTCH, IRISH coffee. Alcohol makes the mouth dry and that creates an environment that mimics 24 hour morning breath. Saliva is nature’s way of keeping your breath fresh (think baby’s breath). The less saliva you have, the worse your breath gets. By the way, Hill – There is MORE alcohol in the leading mouthwash formulas than an entire 6 pack of BECK’S, SAPPORO, TSINGTAO, etc. So, if you’re choosing between a medicine burning mouthwash or a bottle of MOLSON’S, go for the brewski – but sip some water immediately afterwards to dilute the effect of the alcohol.

·Stay away from sugar. Sugar feeds all types of bacteria, including the bad breath bugs, so if you want to chew some candy, avoid SWEDISH FISH and look for sugarless mints, such as ZOX (they contain ZINC, OXYGEN, and XYLITOL) to fight bad breath and dry mouth or sugarless gum like TheraBreath gum, which contains oxygenating compounds. Find them both at www.therabreath.com.

·If you’re HUNGRY (HUNGARY) it’s OK to have some carbs. Carbs won’t give you bad breath. So when in DENMARK, look for a DANISH. If you’re in CAMEROON, ask for a MACAROON.

·There are also a few proteins that are OK. If you’re looking for a SANDWICH (Sandwich Islands) order TURKEY, TOGO.

·Best advice: Look for oxygenating oral products, such as TheraBreath or PerioTherapy. They are all natural formulas that attack BOTH bacterial bad breath AND stinky food bad breath. Hillary can find them anywhere in the world by going to www.therabreath.com.

And, if Hillary comes across a prime minister or foreign diplomat with Halitosis – and she can’t find the strength to tell them about their bad breath, she doesn’t need to worry. Dr. Harold Katz will do it for her through his online “tell a friend” program. Just click on: http://www.therabreath.com/tellafriend.asp. Dr. Katz takes care of the rest – and the best part, It’s anonymous. Bill and Obama will never know that Hillary contacted Dr. Katz.

If you get an email from Dr. Katz telling you that you have bad breath, you didn't get it from me.

Upon The Feast Of St. John Damascene

"The saints must be honored as friends of Christ and children and heirs of God, as John the theologian and evangelist says: 'But as many as received him, he gave them the power to be made the sons of God....' Let us carefully observe the manner of life of all the apostles, martyrs, ascetics and just men who announced the coming of the Lord. And let us emulate their faith, charity, hope, zeal, life, patience under suffering, and perseverance unto death, so that we may also share their crowns of glory."

Patron against iconoclasm, ora pro nobis!

Things That Make John Wycliffe Look Harmless: The Thomas Kinkade Bible

A beautiful one-of-a-kind keepsake version of the Scriptures accented by the works of the Painter of Light himself. Feast your eyes on the soothing color palettes of Kinkade's rendition of "Herod's Massacre of the Innocents," try and find the hidden names of his children in "The Rape of Tamar," and marvel at the softened edges and nostalgic stillness of "Samson Kills A Thousand Philistines With The Jawbone Of An Ass." Available everywhere fine books are sold!

This Day In History

On November 30, 1954, the Hodges Meteorite became the first extraterrestrial object on record to strike a human being, bouncing off a wooden radio console owned by Oak Hill, Alabama resident Ann Elizabeth Hodges, and deflecting onto her as she napped on her couch. Imagine the irony of being hit by a meteorite named after you...

An Absolute Gem From The Colbert Christmas Special

The editing is almost as great as the lyrics. Tip of the Hat to anyone who can find out whether the song was actually written by Toby Keith or Stephen's staff.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Toby Keith Sings

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

A Gift Idea For That Pneumatic Female In Your Brave New World

Gives a whole new meaning to the "(International) Noise Conspiracy's" song, Capitalism Stole my Virginity:

The (gift) certificates (to Planned Parenthood) come in $25 increments. They can be used for everything from birth control to $58 examinations that include breast exams and pap tests. Men who receive healthcare at Planned Parenthood can use them too.

"They can be seen for sexually transmitted disease screenings, HIV tests and general prostate exams and those kinds of things," said Struben-Hall.

Some Hoosiers 24-Hour News 8 talked to asked if the gift certificates could be used towards abortions. The answer is yes. But, Planned Parenthood said that's not the purpose of the gift certificates.

Struben-Hall said, "They really are intended for preventative healthcare. We decided not to put restrictions on the gift certificates so it's for whatever people feel they need the services for most."

Because, in the words of Margaret Sanger herself, "“The most merciful thing that a family does to one of its infant members is to kill it.”

And if you're trying to figure out which special person in your life that you don't want to be reproducing, Ms. Sanger offers this helpful suggestion:

"Negroes and Southern Europeans are mentally inferior to native born Americans."

Happy Black Friday, everyone!

Upon The Feast Of Blessed Miguel Agustin Pro

Catholic Online offers the following glimpse of Miguel's ministry in Mexico in the 1920's:

The churches were closed and priests went into hiding. Miguel spent the rest of his life in a secret ministry to the sturdy Mexican Catholics... He adopted many interesting disguises in carrying out his secret mininstry. He would come in the middle of the night dressed as a beggar to baptize infants, bless marriages and celebrate Mass. He would appear in jail dressed as a police officer to bring Holy Viaticum to condemned Catholics. When going to fashionable neighboorhoods to procure for the poor, he would show up at the doorstep dressed as a fashionable businessmam with a fresh flower on his lapel. His many exploits could rival those of the most daring spies. In all that he did, however, Fr. Pro remained obedient to his superiors and was filled with the joy of serving Christ, his King.

Note the policeman strolling behind him in the photo above, and the gloriously brazen smile beneath Miguel's false moustache.

Martyred by a Mexican firing squad in 1927.

Viva Cristo Rey!

And more reading material on the subject (since Christmas approaches rapidly...):

Etymology 101: A Free Public Service From The Friendly Folks At Apoloblogology

Macabre

The first use of this word shows up in 1493, in reference to a dance of death. Basically, it's an Old French translation of the Middle Latin Machabaeorum, meaning "dance of the Maccabees." For those of you who may not have any books in your Bible between Malachi and Matthew, Judas Maccabeus and the other Jews in his family staged a revolt after Antiochus suppressed their religious practices and sacrificed a pig in the Temple. Needless to say, many a Maccabee met a macabre end in the process. Lots of references to tongues being cut out of the mouths of Jews who refused to eat pork and such.

And as II Maccabees itself tells us, it's not macabre at all, but "a holy and wholesome thought to pray for the dead."

This Day In History

On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. On the same day, British authors C.S. Lewis and Aldous Huxley also died. That being said, allow us to recommend that the following Peter Kreeft dialogue be read in commemoration:

Dear Nancy Pelosi: Thomas Aquinas Has Left You Something In A Yugoslavian Dream Mailbox

Looks like the Serbian version of C. Everett Koop...

It took a dream about the Angelic Doctor to convert one of Eastern Europe's most notorious abortionists to pro-life advocacy. Stojan Adasevic is now one of the most outspoken advocates for the unborn in Serbia, and claims that St. Thomas appeared to him because he wanted to set the medical record straight:

“Influenced by Aristotle, Thomas wrote that human life begins forty days after fertilization,” Adasevic wrote in one article. La Razon commented that Adasevic “suggests that perhaps the saint wanted to make amends for that error.”

Now if we could just get the pro-abort Catholic political bloc to update their agendas...

A Real Live Royal Tenenbaum

Except instead of faking a terminal illness to bring his family together, this pastor faked a terminal illness to get lots of money from his congregation. Now the people who were trying to help him not die are wishing he were dead:

Angry Christians have condemned disgraced pastor Michael Guglielmucci's cancer hoax as the ultimate act of betrayal – and they want their money back.

His lawyer revealed yesterday that the inspirational preacher was receiving psychiatric help after confessing to faking a two-year battle with terminal cancer.

Mr Guglielmucci has been described as a Christian superstar, inspiring hundreds of thousands around the world as he performed his hit song Healer with an oxygen tube in his nose.

I'm guessing that faking a death is a lot more difficult than faking an illness, though it's unlikely that either is easy. You can't make this stuff up, people.

"Like Guglielmucci.... I'm the cult of personaliteeeee..."

Upon The Feast Of St. Albert The Great

One of the patron saints of Cincinnati. We'll take it where we can get it.

This Day In History

On November 13, 1775, American troops under the command of Ethan Allen attacked the city of Montreal with pieces of furniture that exhibited classic design with a modern perspective.

We Are Living In The Freaking Future

Meet Jules. Jules has a special application wherein if you look at him, he can mimic your expressions. If Jules were trying to kill me, and I began to scream in terror, and I saw my own terror reflected in his mechanical visage, I think I would lose all hope.

And he looks eerily like Kevin Spacey.

Happy Anniversary, Exploding Whale

Author's Note: We originally published this last year on this date. However, it's just so great that we'll probably publish it every year until the end of the digital age.

On November 12, 1970, the Oregon Highway Division set out to rid the beach near Florence of the 45 foot long rotting carcass of a sperm whale. Collaborating with the US Navy, ODOT crews stuffed the carcass with a half ton of dynamite, hoping to fragment it into pieces small enough to be cleaned from the beach by scavenging seaside beasts.

Upon the detonation of the explosive charges, one reporter was heard to remark that "the blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds." One hunk of whale was reported to have landed on a car, smashing it pretty good. A significant portion of sperm whale carcass remained on the beach, and had to be cheerfully hand-collected by ODOT employees.

In a related incident, a slightly annoyed bowl of petunias was reported also to have been exploded just up the beach.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, The Exploding Whale Incident.

Upon The Feast Of Pope St. Leo The Great

He sure knew how to make a Hun run.

R.I.P. Michael Crichton, 1942-2008

When reached for comment, Apoloblogology Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcolm kept repeating, "He left us! He left us!"

Thanks for all the memories of the future, and 500 seasons of E.R.

And here's a fun little prophecy he wrote about how the spiral-eyed mainstream media will soon shut down its kool-aid stand.

Remember, Remember, The Fifth Of November

Author's note: We posted this last year, but we are too overwhelmed with Other Stuff to write anything fresh right now. More later.

This day in history in 1605, Guy Fawkes and Robert Catesby, English Catholics, attempted to blow up Parliament under the torturous reign of James I. Captured before they could accomplish the task, they were executed quite publicly. To commemorate the event, every Guy Fawkes' day, English protestants often burn either Fawkes or the Pope in effigy.

As a playful counter to the above tradition, John Zmirak suggests the following practice in The Bad Catholic's Guide To Good Living:

"Why not get the baking enthusiasts in your family (i.e., the girls) to make a House of Parliament out of gingerbread? Find pictures of these exquisite Gothic buildings on the internet and make the best copy you can, lovingly adding details with the icing, perhaps evevn forming a tiny James I out of Marzipan. Unveil it at the outset of tonight's family dinner, or at a gathering of friends. As dinner unfolds, tell the story of Guy Fawkes and his friends. Then for dessert, take the gingerbread Parliament outside, stuff it with M-80 fireworks, and blow it all to hell."

An Election Reflection

From today's Psalm at Mass:

Dominion is the LORD’s,
and he rules the nations.

Thankfully, diety doesn't have term limits.

Dr. Ian Malcolm Speaks To Today's Electorate

"Oooh! Ahhh! That's how it always starts. Then later there's running, and screaming..."

Reformation Day (Redux)

Author's Note: We originally posted this last year on Reformation Day. However, we still think it's fun to periodically bring Martin Luther out of his box, make him dance a little, and then put him back until we're ready to drop his name again in an inflammatory fashion.



While most people think of October 31 as Halloween, some people celebrate today the anniversary of the legend of Martin Luther's posting of the 95 theses at the door of the church in Wittenburg for all the public to see. Of course, as we've discussed here before, Luther posted the theses in Latin, and most people only knew a few liturgical Latin phrases. Also, he probably didn't really put them on a door, but mailed them in to the bishop.

In any case, though very little of this blog's readership comes from the Reformed theological perspective, we still consider it fair fightin' to re-post the 95 Theses here, sans nails, hammers, or even postage, so that everyone can see if they say what everyone thinks they say. And for those true to Luther, feel free to dress like a disgruntled Augustinian monk if you attend any Halloween festivities this evening.

Out of love for the truth and the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions will be discussed at Wittenberg, under the presidency of the Reverend Father Martin Luther, Master of Arts and of Sacred Theology, and Lecturer in Ordinary on the same at that place. Wherefore he requests that those who are unable to be present and debate orally with us, may do so by letter.

In the Name our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

1. Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He said Poenitentiam agite, willed that the whole life of believers should be repentance.

2. This word cannot be understood to mean sacramental penance, i.e., confession and satisfaction, which is administered by the priests.

3. Yet it means not inward repentance only; nay, there is no inward repentance which does not outwardly work divers mortifications of the flesh.

4. The penalty [of sin], therefore, continues so long as hatred of self continues; for this is the true inward repentance, and continues until our entrance into the kingdom of heaven.

5. The pope does not intend to remit, and cannot remit any penalties other than those which he has imposed either by his own authority or by that of the Canons.

6. The pope cannot remit any guilt, except by declaring that it has been remitted by God and by assenting to God's remission; though, to be sure, he may grant remission in cases reserved to his judgment. If his right to grant remission in such cases were despised, the guilt would remain entirely unforgiven.

7. God remits guilt to no one whom He does not, at the same time, humble in all things and bring into subjection to His vicar, the priest.

8. The penitential canons are imposed only on the living, and, according to them, nothing should be imposed on the dying.

9. Therefore the Holy Spirit in the pope is kind to us, because in his decrees he always makes exception of the article of death and of necessity.

10. Ignorant and wicked are the doings of those priests who, in the case of the dying, reserve canonical penances for purgatory.

11. This changing of the canonical penalty to the penalty of purgatory is quite evidently one of the tares that were sown while the bishops slept.

12. In former times the canonical penalties were imposed not after, but before absolution, as tests of true contrition.

13. The dying are freed by death from all penalties; they are already dead to canonical rules, and have a right to be released from them.

14. The imperfect health [of soul], that is to say, the imperfect love, of the dying brings with it, of necessity, great fear; and the smaller the love, the greater is the fear.

15. This fear and horror is sufficient of itself alone (to say nothing of other things) to constitute the penalty of purgatory, since it is very near to the horror of despair.

16. Hell, purgatory, and heaven seem to differ as do despair, almost-despair, and the assurance of safety.

17. With souls in purgatory it seems necessary that horror should grow less and love increase.

18. It seems unproved, either by reason or Scripture, that they are outside the state of merit, that is to say, of increasing love.

19. Again, it seems unproved that they, or at least that all of them, are certain or assured of their own blessedness, though we may be quite certain of it.

20. Therefore by "full remission of all penalties" the pope means not actually "of all," but only of those imposed by himself.

21. Therefore those preachers of indulgences are in error, who say that by the pope's indulgences a man is freed from every penalty, and saved;

22. Whereas he remits to souls in purgatory no penalty which, according to the canons, they would have had to pay in this life.

23. If it is at all possible to grant to any one the remission of all penalties whatsoever, it is certain that this remission can be granted only to the most perfect, that is, to the very fewest.

24. It must needs be, therefore, that the greater part of the people are deceived by that indiscriminate and highsounding promise of release from penalty.

25. The power which the pope has, in a general way, over purgatory, is just like the power which any bishop or curate has, in a special way, within his own diocese or parish.

26. The pope does well when he grants remission to souls [in purgatory], not by the power of the keys (which he does not possess), but by way of intercession.

27. They preach man who say that so soon as the penny jingles into the money-box, the soul flies out [of purgatory].

28. It is certain that when the penny jingles into the money-box, gain and avarice can be increased, but the result of the intercession of the Church is in the power of God alone.

29. Who knows whether all the souls in purgatory wish to be bought out of it, as in the legend of Sts. Severinus and Paschal.

30. No one is sure that his own contrition is sincere; much less that he has attained full remission.

31. Rare as is the man that is truly penitent, so rare is also the man who truly buys indulgences, i.e., such men are most rare.

32. They will be condemned eternally, together with their teachers, who believe themselves sure of their salvation because they have letters of pardon.

33. Men must be on their guard against those who say that the pope's pardons are that inestimable gift of God by which man is reconciled to Him;

34. For these "graces of pardon" concern only the penalties of sacramental satisfaction, and these are appointed by man.

35. They preach no Christian doctrine who teach that contrition is not necessary in those who intend to buy souls out of purgatory or to buy confessionalia.

36. Every truly repentant Christian has a right to full remission of penalty and guilt, even without letters of pardon.

37. Every true Christian, whether living or dead, has part in all the blessings of Christ and the Church; and this is granted him by God, even without letters of pardon.

38. Nevertheless, the remission and participation [in the blessings of the Church] which are granted by the pope are in no way to be despised, for they are, as I have said, the declaration of divine remission.

39. It is most difficult, even for the very keenest theologians, at one and the same time to commend to the people the abundance of pardons and [the need of] true contrition.

40. True contrition seeks and loves penalties, but liberal pardons only relax penalties and cause them to be hated, or at least, furnish an occasion [for hating them].

41. Apostolic pardons are to be preached with caution, lest the people may falsely think them preferable to other good works of love.

42. Christians are to be taught that the pope does not intend the buying of pardons to be compared in any way to works of mercy.

43. Christians are to be taught that he who gives to the poor or lends to the needy does a better work than buying pardons;

44. Because love grows by works of love, and man becomes better; but by pardons man does not grow better, only more free from penalty.

45. 45. Christians are to be taught that he who sees a man in need, and passes him by, and gives [his money] for pardons, purchases not the indulgences of the pope, but the indignation of God.

46. Christians are to be taught that unless they have more than they need, they are bound to keep back what is necessary for their own families, and by no means to squander it on pardons.

47. Christians are to be taught that the buying of pardons is a matter of free will, and not of commandment.

48. Christians are to be taught that the pope, in granting pardons, needs, and therefore desires, their devout prayer for him more than the money they bring.

49. Christians are to be taught that the pope's pardons are useful, if they do not put their trust in them; but altogether harmful, if through them they lose their fear of God.

50. Christians are to be taught that if the pope knew the exactions of the pardon-preachers, he would rather that St. Peter's church should go to ashes, than that it should be built up with the skin, flesh and bones of his sheep.

51. Christians are to be taught that it would be the pope's wish, as it is his duty, to give of his own money to very many of those from whom certain hawkers of pardons cajole money, even though the church of St. Peter might have to be sold.

52. The assurance of salvation by letters of pardon is vain, even though the commissary, nay, even though the pope himself, were to stake his soul upon it.

53. They are enemies of Christ and of the pope, who bid the Word of God be altogether silent in some Churches, in order that pardons may be preached in others.

54. Injury is done the Word of God when, in the same sermon, an equal or a longer time is spent on pardons than on this Word.

55. It must be the intention of the pope that if pardons, which are a very small thing, are celebrated with one bell, with single processions and ceremonies, then the Gospel, which is the very greatest thing, should be preached with a hundred bells, a hundred processions, a hundred ceremonies.

56. The "treasures of the Church," out of which the pope. grants indulgences, are not sufficiently named or known among the people of Christ.

57. That they are not temporal treasures is certainly evident, for many of the vendors do not pour out such treasures so easily, but only gather them.

58. Nor are they the merits of Christ and the Saints, for even without the pope, these always work grace for the inner man, and the cross, death, and hell for the outward man.

59. St. Lawrence said that the treasures of the Church were the Church's poor, but he spoke according to the usage of the word in his own time.

60. Without rashness we say that the keys of the Church, given by Christ's merit, are that treasure;

61. For it is clear that for the remission of penalties and of reserved cases, the power of the pope is of itself sufficient.

62. The true treasure of the Church is the Most Holy Gospel of the glory and the grace of God.

63. But this treasure is naturally most odious, for it makes the first to be last.

64. On the other hand, the treasure of indulgences is naturally most acceptable, for it makes the last to be first.

65. Therefore the treasures of the Gospel are nets with which they formerly were wont to fish for men of riches.

66. The treasures of the indulgences are nets with which they now fish for the riches of men.

67. The indulgences which the preachers cry as the "greatest graces" are known to be truly such, in so far as they promote gain.

68. Yet they are in truth the very smallest graces compared with the grace of God and the piety of the Cross.

69. Bishops and curates are bound to admit the commissaries of apostolic pardons, with all reverence.

70. But still more are they bound to strain all their eyes and attend with all their ears, lest these men preach their own dreams instead of the commission of the pope.

71. He who speaks against the truth of apostolic pardons, let him be anathema and accursed!

72. But he who guards against the lust and license of the pardon-preachers, let him be blessed!

73. The pope justly thunders against those who, by any art, contrive the injury of the traffic in pardons.

74. But much more does he intend to thunder against those who use the pretext of pardons to contrive the injury of holy love and truth.

75. To think the papal pardons so great that they could absolve a man even if he had committed an impossible sin and violated the Mother of God -- this is madness.

76. We say, on the contrary, that the papal pardons are not able to remove the very least of venial sins, so far as its guilt is concerned.

77. It is said that even St. Peter, if he were now Pope, could not bestow greater graces; this is blasphemy against St. Peter and against the pope.

78. We say, on the contrary, that even the present pope, and any pope at all, has greater graces at his disposal; to wit, the Gospel, powers, gifts of healing, etc., as it is written in I. Corinthians xii.

79. To say that the cross, emblazoned with the papal arms, which is set up [by the preachers of indulgences], is of equal worth with the Cross of Christ, is blasphemy.

80. The bishops, curates and theologians who allow such talk to be spread among the people, will have an account to render.

81. This unbridled preaching of pardons makes it no easy matter, even for learned men, to rescue the reverence due to the pope from slander, or even from the shrewd questionings of the laity.

82. To wit: -- "Why does not the pope empty purgatory, for the sake of holy love and of the dire need of the souls that are there, if he redeems an infinite number of souls for the sake of miserable money with which to build a Church? The former reasons would be most just; the latter is most trivial."

83. Again: -- "Why are mortuary and anniversary masses for the dead continued, and why does he not return or permit the withdrawal of the endowments founded on their behalf, since it is wrong to pray for the redeemed?"

84. Again: -- "What is this new piety of God and the pope, that for money they allow a man who is impious and their enemy to buy out of purgatory the pious soul of a friend of God, and do not rather, because of that pious and beloved soul's own need, free it for pure love's sake?"

85. Again: -- "Why are the penitential canons long since in actual fact and through disuse abrogated and dead, now satisfied by the granting of indulgences, as though they were still alive and in force?"

86. Again: -- "Why does not the pope, whose wealth is to-day greater than the riches of the richest, build just this one church of St. Peter with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers?"

87. Again: -- "What is it that the pope remits, and what participation does he grant to those who, by perfect contrition, have a right to full remission and participation?"

88. Again: -- "What greater blessing could come to the Church than if the pope were to do a hundred times a day what he now does once, and bestow on every believer these remissions and participations?"

89. "Since the pope, by his pardons, seeks the salvation of souls rather than money, why does he suspend the indulgences and pardons granted heretofore, since these have equal efficacy?"

90. To repress these arguments and scruples of the laity by force alone, and not to resolve them by giving reasons, is to expose the Church and the pope to the ridicule of their enemies, and to make Christians unhappy.

91. If, therefore, pardons were preached according to the spirit and mind of the pope, all these doubts would be readily resolved; nay, they would not exist.

92. Away, then, with all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, "Peace, peace," and there is no peace!

93. Blessed be all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, "Cross, cross," and there is no cross!

94. Christians are to be exhorted that they be diligent in following Christ, their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hell;

95. And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the assurance of peace.

One Hundred Thousand Hits

GRAGHR! You have read us a lot!

Findings From Our Presidential Poll

With exactly one week to go before the real elections, we have come up with our predictions and analysis based on an utterly unrepresentative sampling of our readership. To those of you who participated in the poll, we extend our gratitude. To those of you who didn’t, just remember that you can’t complain if you didn’t vote.

As a replacement of the candidate selection poll, we are going to be running an Inflammatory Poll Question Of The Day that hopefully will help you get in some good practice as November 4 approaches.

Here are some basic conclusions we’ve drawn from the collected data:

Way More People Are Voting For John McCain Because Of Sarah Palin Than Are Voting For Barack Obama Because Of Joe Biden.

20% of all voters polled said that their reason for voting for McWhatshisname is that cute chick with glasses that he won’t let say anything. Only 2% are equally excited about Bellowing Biden.

Nobody Really Has Any Idea What Change Is.

We say this because 10 percent of you think it would come from Obama, 7% of you think that it would come from McCain, and none of you thought it would come from any of the third party candidates. We find this odd, seeing as how both McCain and Obama signed the bailout. It’s perhaps even odder considering that Obama is a liberal masquerading as a moderate, while McCain is a moderate masquerading as a conservative. Change, indeed. Like a chameleon.

The Third Parties Are Gathering Strength.

Roughly 30% of you are sick of it all, but not so sick of it all that you’re unwilling to participate. Consider yourselves encouraged by one another, and better luck next time.

I Tricked Three Of You.

Three people checked the box indicating that they’re not voting. Ha! You just voted!

People Are Willing To Go On Record Saying They Like Babies More Than Their Own Money.

Oh, that it were true of society at large. People who named a specific issue that drives their voting decision ranked as follows: abortion- 29%, the economy- 6%, Iraq- 5%.

More Of You Want A Woman President Than A Black President.

That is, if politics didn’t matter, and we know that they do. Pro-woman president: 6%, pro-black president- 1%. Feel free to disregard this analysis in favor of defaming us as either a chauvinist or a bigot.

The Antichrist May Or May Not Be Among Us.

Of the apocalyptically minded among you, 13% of you think it’s Obama, and 3% of you think it’s McCain. Of course, as I John 2:18 reminds us, many antichrists have come…

Again, please accept our gratitude for your participation in our divisive and leading poll. Perhaps you found it less divisive and leading than some of the other polls being aired as news items. In any case, please do visit our Inflammatory Poll Questions Of The Day as we post them.

This Day In History

On October 28, 1704, English philosopher John Locke died. However, since time and space related things work differently on The Island, he somehow ended up in a coffin in Los Angeles 300 years later, needing to go back.

A Reminder For Pro-Life Vigilance Regardless Of The Outcome Of The Upcoming Election

Cindy McCain: redefining what it means to be pro-life.

This Day In History

On October 21, 1512, Martin Luther was appointed to the Theology faculty at the University of Wittenberg. Watch the hell out.

Also, on October 21, 1945, Argentinian politician Juan Peron married Madonna, the first of many high profile conjugal alliances for the actress and singer.

Also, on October 21, 1995, Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon died. Ten days later, every girl under the age of 16 dressed like a bumblebee and asked for candy.

Fatima, Schmatima.

In this, the 91st anniversary year of Our Lady's appearance at Fatima, the clever scoundrels at Creative Minority Report have compiled a list of the top ten scientific reasons that the whole event was faked by nature:

10. Stratospheric Dust. Steuart Campbell, writing for the 1989 edition of Journal of Meteorology, theorizes that a cloud of stratospheric dust altered the appearance of the sun on 13 October, making it easier to look at, and causing it to appear yellow, blue, and violet and to spin. In support of his hypothesis, Mr. Campbell reports that a blue and reddened sun was reported in China as documented in 1983.

9. Not everyone saw it so nothing happened. Oddly, this is the exact opposite of their argument that people in China saw it so it didn't happen. Astronomers, they say, noticed no dancing in the sky from all over the world. The dancing sun was a regional event thus disproving it. A quick question would be the fact that it was a regional event should prove that something out of the ordinary happened. If it happened worldwide it would be written off as simply an astronomical event because the whole world saw it.

8. ESP! (Always my favorite) Author Lisa Schwebel claims that the event was a supernatural form of extra-sensory phenomenon. God? no way! ESP? Yup! Schwebel has said that throughout the history of man there have been several reported cases of religious gatherings culminating in the sudden and mysterious appearance of lights in the sky so therefore it's ESP. The logic evades me a little but I guess if you're a believer in The Exorcist Part II, then it's as believable as Richard Burton as a priest.

7. Mock-Sun. Didn't even know this one existed but it's worth a listen. Joe Nickell, a self described skeptic and paranormal investigator, according to Wikipedia,
claims that the position of the phenomenon as described by the various witnesses, is at the wrong azimuth and elevation to have been the sun. He suggests the cause may have been a sundog. Sometimes referred to as a parhelion or "mock sun", a sundog is an atmospheric optical phenomenon associated with the reflection/refraction of sunlight by the numerous small ice crystals that make up cirrus or cirrostratus clouds. A sundog is, however, a stationary phenomenon, and would not explain the reported appearance of the "dancing sun". So Nickell further suggests an explanation for this phenomena may lie in temporary retinal distortion, caused by staring at the intense light and/or the effect of darting the eyes to and fro so as to avoid completely fixed gazing (thus combining image, afterimage and movement).
So, in effect, 70,000 people all shook their heads and thought a mock-sun was dancing. All 70,000? Prety ridiculous, huh?

6. Dust cloud! Paul Simons, in an article entitled "Weather Secrets of Miracle at Fatima", said that it's possible that some of the optical effects at Fatima may have been caused by a cloud of dust from the Sahara.

5. The old mass hallucination theory. Author Kevin McClure is one of many on this claim which goes something like this: The crowd at Cova da Iria was expecting to see signs in the sun so they did. Yeah because that happens all the time. But McClure doesn't factor in that people several miles away who weren't thinking about the event also saw it.

4. UFO! The old alien craft pretending to be a sign from God trick. Happens all the time, didn't you know. Of course, the spaceship just happened to come on the day that the three children said a miracle would occur. Or perhaps the apparitions were all the works of little green men. This all sounds a lot more real than the Church's explanation.

3. Solar Storm. A gigantic coronal mass ejection (CME) occurred. Better known as the Northern Lights in Portugal. You see, solar flares emit high-speed particles that cause the Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis. Well that explains it all right there. Because we all know the Northern Lights look exactly like the Sun dancing. Or not.

2. Peer pressure. There was significant social pressure to see a miracle so everyone fooled themselves into believing they did. 70,000 people? That's some pretty strong peer pressure especially for the people who saw it 20 miles away.

1. An Eclipse. These fellas don't mind contradicting themselves. This would be a very very regional eclipse. Wouldn't astronomers have noted the eclipse?

Bonus Reason:
-1. Evolution. This is sadly from Institute of Physics, Catholic University of Louvain. Evolution has provided us with the infamous “zoom and loom effect”. It occurs when you see an image at some unknown distance. Your brain considers the possibility that it might come closer so without your knowledge your brain performs "an illusory mental zoom, where the apparent size of the object is progressively increased." Here's why this occurs, says scientists: Evolution forces us to be constantly worried that something dangerous is coming to eat us so we might need to skedaddle right quick so the brain zooms it in to scare us into skedaddling. When the “idea” of an approach does not lead to any real danger, the perceived object returns to its normal place. Thus the dancing sun. Amazing. 70,000 people thought the Sun was coming to eat them. When they realized the Sun had no teeth they "zoomed and loomed" it back to where it belonged. That might just be my favorite one.

It was too good not to re-post the whole thing. Where does one begin to dismantle the idea that a "sun-dog" sent messages to Portugese children to trick them into coming to a specific area at the specific day and time that it bore forth its solar "woof?"

If Fatima was merely a scientific phenomenon, I'm going to need better ideas than the above to go on.

And don't say it was Satan as an angel of light, because Satan doesn't tell you to say things like "forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, and lead all souls to heaven."

Pros And Cons From The Chuck Baldwin Rally

Not sure what the title of his speech was, so I'm affectionately calling it "American Hellfire: How Our Federal Fiascos Are Failing The Founders."

Turns out this was not an actual political rally, but in fact an alumni weekend for Midwestern Baptist College, and Pastor Chuck was something of a penultimate attraction before the evening's keynote speaker, who appeared to be a revival preacher of some kind. I could be wrong. Suffice to say that my wife and I in our T-shirts and jeans stuck out like sore Catholic thumbs in the sea of waist-length hair and shoe-length dresses on the women's side, and the sea of glittering tie-clasps on the men's side.

However, Pastor Chuck did not disappoint, at least in terms of vigor and force. I did, however, spend most of the talk thinking about how Ron Paul is a much more convincing orator, and less prone to emotional appeals. Ah, well.

I've decided the best way to critique this rally would be to list the pros and cons of what I saw from Pastor Baldwin:

Pro:
-Affirmed the sanctity of all human life, unborn, poor, or otherwise marginalized
-Expressed disappointment in attempts to secure Iraq's borders while leaving our own undefended
-Expressed disappointment in rewarding financial irresponsibility with billions of taxpayer dollars
-Expressed his presidential preference for an unbeliever who followed the constitution to a believer who disregarded the constitution
-Lamented the growing scope of government

Con:
-Even more theocratic than Barack Obama
-Total Calvinist
-Louder than Joe Biden
-Lauded Daniel Webster and other Freemasons
-Made the outrageous claim that Baptist (actually Congregationalist) minister John Langdon was solely responsible for making sure that Thomas Jefferson wrote religious liberty into the Constitution.

Bottom line: we're still voting for Joe.

My Curiosity Is Killing Me

Guess where we'll be tonight:

Presidential Candidate Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party will be speaking this week in Cincinnati so tell your friends and bring a crowd with you to meet the only candidate for President who promises to:

Secure the Border
Bring our Troops Home
Abolish the Federal Reserve: Learn why here and here.
Protect the Unborn
Return America to Constitutional Government

October 14 in Cincinnati - Tuesday night at 6:30 pm


First Baptist Church of Milford - 1367 Woodville Pike
Milford, Ohio Phone: (513) 575-1705

Directions: From I-275 take Exit 57 (Blanchester/Milford). Go East on Rt 28 toward Blanchester.

Take the Rt 28 bypass to Woodville Pike, bear right at Walgreens, Church is on the right, less than one mile.

The church is located approximately 5 miles from the I-275 exit.

Expect a full report.

Things That Make John Wycliffe Look Harmless: The Mossy Oak Bible

Not a good idea for people who are prone to misplacing things. St. Anthony, prepare to have your inbox flooded.

Less And Less Morally Ambiguous

At a certain point, even radical eugenicists have to realize there's something wrong with creating frankenbabies in labs, only to kill them when they become a nuisance to the convenience of the bourgeiosie:

The Oregon Court of Appeals on Wednesday denied a father's appeal to keep his six frozen embryos alive, and ordered that the embryos be destroyed by thawing, as ordered by his ex-wife. The court also ruled that the embryos' fate fell under the issue of "property rights."

The court unanimously agreed that the father, orthodontist Dr. Darrell Angle, had no right to "impose a genetic parental relationship" on his ex-wife, pediatrician Dr. Laura Dahl, who did not wish to be considered the mother of the preborn children in the event that they were carried to term. Angle, on the other hand, insisted that the embryos were alive and deserved to be protected from destruction.

In 2000, Drs. Angle and Dahl had married and given birth to a son, and in 2004 decided to conceive again via in-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment at the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU). The treatment failed, and six embryos were frozen for indefinite preservation. The agreement signed by both parties named Dahl as the default decision-maker concerning the fate of the embryos, should the couple separate.

When the couple divorced soon after, Dahl indicated that she wished to destroy the embryos because she "did not want anyone else to raise her child," and also feared that the child might one day contact his or her sibling, Dahl's naturally-conceived son.

Is this even real? God help us.

Upon The Feast Of Pope Blessed John XXIII

"It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope."

"It's A Fine Line, Really, Between Stupid And Clever..."

Watch and try to convince yourself that this isn't awesome on some level. I dare you to not watch the whole thing.



Flip of the flap to the ncregister.com.

In Which I Apologize For My Absence

Sorry for not blogging as much lately. We've been swamped with additional responsibilities at our workplace.

As it turns out, our paying job (that is, the making of radio) has resulted in a syndication deal through EWTN to begin in January. The 7:00 Eastern hour of our morning show will go live on about 125 stations, as well as EWTN's SIRIUS satellite radio channel. We are excited, humbled, and intimidated at having to bear the responsibility of providing content for a network that debuted when we were two years old.

That being said, if you want to hear our voice so that you can use our comments against us, feel free to listen on your local Catholic radio station starting in January, as Brian Patrick and I rock our respective mics to a national audience.

St. Gabriel, ora pro nobis!

Welcome To The Brave New World

Does nobody else think that it's crazy that we live in a world where there's such a thing as the Donor Sibling Registry?

The focus of the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) is to assist individuals conceived as a result of sperm, egg or embryo donation who are seeking to make mutually desired contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. This may include:

Their own or their child's half-siblings, or

their own or their child's sperm or egg donor, or

their own genetic offspring.

The DSR fully supports openness, honesty and the acknowledgement of these family connections. We realize, however, that some folks may want to remain anonymous while sharing important medical or genetic information with their fellow "donor families". For these people, we suggest using a throw away untraceable email address.

Egg, sperm or embryo donors who are willing to have contact with the children born as a result of their donations are VERY WELCOME! Even if you do not know your donor number, it is still possible to search and be found.

Here's a question: what happens if two people, descendents from the same sperm donor through different mothers, fall in love without realizing they're related, and get married, and it's later discovered that they're related, can their marriage be declared illegal?

Too Close To The Truth Not To Be Hilarious

One Word Movie Meme

Eegahinc at B-Movie Catechism did this far more masterfully than I am capable of doing, but following his suggestion that others who have yet to participate do so now, here are my responses to the following meme, which requires that I answer all of the following questions using only one word movie titles:

01. Where is your cell phone? ABYSS
02. Where is your significant other? FACULTY
03. Your hair color? GREASE
04. Your mother? FIRM
05. Your father? PATRIOT
06. Your favorite thing? AMISTAD
07. Your dream last night? GREMLINS
08. Your dream/goal? WITNESS
09. The room you're in? BIRDCAGE
10. Your hobby? DOGMA
11. Your fear? GATTACA
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? FUGITIVE
13. Where were you last night? TRAFFIC
14. What you're not? BATMAN
15. One of your wish-list items? TRANSFORMERS
16. Where you grew up? SUBURBIA
17. The last thing you did? CONTACT
18. What are you wearing? JAWS
19. Your TV? SAW
20. Your pet? SHREK
21. Your computer? CLICK
22. Your mood? SCROOGED
23. Missing someone? GHOST
24. Your car? 300
25. Something you're not wearing? ENOUGH
26. Favorite store? COCKTAIL
27. Your summer? ARMAGEDDON
28. Love someone? BEDAZZLED
29. Your favorite color? BEAN
30. When is the last time you laughed? TWISTER
31. Last time you cried? TOMBSTONE

As usual, my responses reflect my penchant for blockbusters. Feel free to link your own responses to this meme in the combox below if you decide to follow suit.

Upon The Feast Of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska

Lasers of mercy to blow away your bloodguilt.

Jasmine's Influence Extends To A Parisian Runway

I'm still trying to figure out how everyone seems to think that it's the Ron Paul devotees that are hypnotized and crazy.

By the way, here's Ron Paul on the bailout that was supported by both John McCain and Barack Obama:



No wonder Washington doesn't want him around.

Life League to Legislative Leadership: Pull Planned Parenthood’s Pork

Ah, Planned Parenthood. How you so notably tried to weasel taxpayer funding for yourself, lo, unsuccessfully, into the latest war funding bill. Now, watchdogs are asking that the scandalous $700 billion banking and housing bailout fiasco includes language that makes sure you don't try to sneak your hands into the cookie jar again:

We are calling on Congress to ensure that Planned Parenthood Federation of America and its affiliates do not wind up with windfall profits from this Act," said Jim Sedlak, president of American Life League.

"In the past," said Sedlak, "Planned Parenthood has been very adept at exploiting large bills such as this to obtain more money for its coffers. It took in $336.7 million in taxpayer funding last year and is crying for more. We are asking members of Congress to add the following 18 words to this Act:

"None of the funds made available under this Act shall be available to Planned Parenthood for any purpose.

"As Planned Parenthood comes under increasing scrutiny for its financial dealings with the government," Sedlak continued, "it only makes sense to be cautious and make sure that none of the $700 billion in this Act will reach the organization in any way. This is a common-sense addendum to the Act, and we trust members of Congress will do the right thing."

Not that Planned Parenthood is the only greedy mouth sucking from the government teat at the 40+ hourly wage slave's expense.

Leave it to a crisis in McCain and Obama's portfolios to finally become bipartisan on the one issue they care about the most.

Dear bailout balloters: pull the pork and put it back in my sandwich.

My Second Favorite Manifestation Of Batman

After The Dark Knight. I for some reason remembered this the other day, and through the miracle of YouTube, I was able to track it down:

Authority! (Authority?) And A Healthy Polemicism

As we all know, polemics are only healthy when they're hilarious.

Since the combox in the latest installment of "Maria: To Ave Or Not To Ave" has become relatively flooded and therefore burdensome to sift through, I've taken the editorial liberty of reposting the most recent aspect of the exchange:

Auret:"and the extremely unchristlike burning of dissenters is one of the primary reasons that i don't believe the Catholic church represents the teachings of christ nore holds any of the authority that it attempts to lay claim to..."

And my instigatory response:

M. Swaim:Using a phrase like "burning of dissenters" implies that always, the policy of Catholics has been to throw those who disagree on flaming pyres. Yes, a small and wicked handful of Catholics have done evil things to people they disgreed with in the past. I'll not even attempt to deny it. White people have also been bad to the blacks, and I'll own whatever part I share in that as well, although white guilt and Catholic guilt don't usually stem from the same root causes. Good Catholics are embarrassed about bad Catholics all the time, but most of them have read enough history to realize that the overwhelming majority of those who Did Bad Stuff To Heretics were completely out of line with ecclesial authority when they did so. Protestants of nearly every stripe have the same kind of baggage. This is why non-Calvinists avoided visiting 16th century Geneva.

The real reason to be against Catholics would have to whether or not what they believe is true. The fact that Catholics have done bad stuff doesn't prove Catholicism wrong, it proves Catholicism right about original sin and concupiscence. It would be similarly fallacious to disagree with Islamic fundamentalism because of suicide bombers. The real reason to disagree with Islamic fundamentalism is that it doesn't square with the truth. Ad hominem is a logical fallacy; ad substantium is not.

All this takes me back to the idea that the endless fragmentation of Christian sects (he said sex!) is the true quest for Organized Religion. What's more organized than a Christianity that has never sinned? I don't believe in organized religion; that's why I finally succumbed to leaving my free will behind and becoming a mindless automaton of the Roman Pontiff.

I Will Have Myself Some Nightmares

George Bush was "gonna spread freedom" too. Everybody duck!

It's a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Children of the Corn. The bongos make it harder to classify.

What's creepier? Children taking part in this, hand motions and all, or parents who force their children to take part in this? VH1 has a documentary on their hands some fifteen years in the future, if we all outlive the Mayan apocalypse.

Removal of the top part of my skull to Mark Shea.

Oh, Maria

Admirably inflammatory reader and combox frequenter "auret" comments:

one cannot preexist before one's mother... therefore mary is not the mother of God... at most she is the mother of the body he wore...

and how do you know he had mary's DNA... has there been blood tests i haven't heard about...

there is no proof whatsoever that her eggs were even used in the transaction...

God created life from nothing once before he could easily have done it with jesus..

either way it doesn't matter because she is only the mother to the physical shell not to any of the aspect that is God.

plus your reasoning requires a rather simplistic understanding of the concept of trinity...

Jesus is not the incarnation of the second person of the trinity...

The very fact of incarnation is the only reason that we have a concept of trinity

Jesus is the incarnation of God.
the incarnate Christ is the second person of the trinity

a timeless eternal God reaching into time in a physical way... and since God is timeless a part of him always exists at that time and place...

From God's perspective Jesus is Being Born, Living, Teaching, Dying, Rising... right now...

eternally right now...

mary is relatively insignificant to the process in my opinion...

Consider this one of the rare times on record that Rowan Williams has inspired anyone to have a theological discussion. Kudos, Archbishop.

Republican John LaBruzzo Of Louisiana Hates Poor People

Consider this an "ecclesial spine alert," as Archbishop Alfred Hughes has had the guts to speak out against this idiocy:

Archbishop of New Orleans Alfred C. Hughes has criticized a Louisiana lawmaker’s proposal to pay poor women to sterilize themselves, calling it “seriously wrong,” “blatantly anti-life,” and a “form of eugenics.”

Louisiana’s Rep. John LaBruzzo, a Republican from Metairie, last week said he is studying a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to have their Fallopian tubes tied.

His proposal would also cover other forms of birth control, such as vasectomies for men, and could also encourage tax incentives for college-educated, higher-income people to have more children, the Times-Picayune reports.

I was pretty sure we were becoming more like China by the second before I read this. Now I'm utterly convinced.

Brave New World, here we come.

More Nonexistent Than Weapons Of Mass Destruction

The widely criticized pre-emptive strikes on Iraq by the Bush administration based on the belief that weapons of mass destruction is certainly a regrettable thing. However, Bush is not the only one who wants to fight something that's not there:

JOHN MCCAIN: There is the Republican Guard in Iran, which Senator Kyl had an amendment in order to declare them a sponsor of terror. Senator Obama said that would be provocative.

So this is a serious threat. This is a serious threat to security in the world, and I believe we can act and we can act with our friends and allies and reduce that threat as quickly as possible, but have no doubt about the ultimate result of them acquiring nuclear weapons.

(snip)

BARACK OBAMA: I believe the Republican Guard of Iran is a terrorist organization. I've consistently said so.

For those who don't understand why this is amusing, the Iranian military is called the Revolutionary Guard Corps.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinijahdjrhdjadhejad responded by declaring war on America and its Royal Air Force.

Upon The Feast Of The Holy Angels

If you're an Argentinian ambassador, broadcaster, clergy member, communications worker, diplomat, messenger, philatelist, postal worker, radio worker, stamp collector, telecommunications worker, television worker, ambulance driver, artist, baker, banker, boatman, cooper, EMT, fencer, greengrocer, haberdasher, hatter, knight, mariner, millener, paramedic, paratrooper, police officer, radiologist, radiotherapist, soldier, security worker, swordsmith, waterman, doctor, druggist, lover, nurse, pharmacist, physician, sheperd, traveller,or are in the Greek Air Force, then happy feast day and I hope your work goes well.

If you live in San Angelo, Portugal, Seattle, Argo, Basey, Brecht, Brussels, Cabo Rojo, Caltanissett, Castel Madama, Cerveteri, Coimbatore, Cornwall, Dormagen, Dunakeszi, England, Gaby, Germany, Iklin, Iligan, Mobile, Naranjito, Papua, Pensacola, Tallahassee, Pueblo, San Miguel de Allende, Saracinesco, Sibenik, Siegburg Abbey, Springfield, Umbria, Zeitz or Dubuque, then happy feast day, and tell your neighbor I said the same.

If you're dealing with temptation, mental illness, blindness, eye disease, insanity, nightmares, danger at sea, sickness or immanent death, then happy feast day, and I hope it all works out for you.

If you plan today to use an apothecary, bank, post office, radio, telegraph, telephone or television, then happy feast day, and I hope the service is good.

Kyle Approaches Hurricane Strength

Is Mary The Mother Of God?

Archbishop of Canterbury and eyebrow legend Dumbledore thinks so. Do you?